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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
I didn't
realize that in addition to being a warehouse labourer you were also a
god-damned comedian. You come up to me, asking for the 24th of December
as a day off, and you want to get paid for it? That is a funny one. You must have mistaken me for that jolly bastard in the red coat with the white trim and the black boots. Oh I can see how much you admire a man who only works one day out of the year. He must be like a god to you. I guess you think that the whole operation can run by itself, and that we can afford to pay all of our employees to take time off whenever they want. Well, I'm not sure where you buy your calendars mister, but on mine, Christmas Eve is still a business day. Is it not enough for you that we're already paying you for three stat holidays within a week? Christmas Day, Boxing Day, and New Year's Day are already yours to slack with as you please. It's bad enough you come to work hung-over on January 2nd each year. Do you not realize how little you already work around here? In addition to the generous three weeks of vacation you receive every year, you're also entitled to another three weeks of sick leave (which I am happy to point out that you have used up for this year), a week of family leave, another of special family leave, a week to get married, two weeks for specialized training, two days of personal leave (which the union graciously bargained for), and one volunteer day (which if you remember, you used to spend with the "Save Van Halen Society"). If you combine all of those days off with the constant times you are late, the times you sneak away early, the days you stretch out your lunch hour (which is paid), and all of your bathroom and cigarette breaks, I'm not sure you've put in a hard week's work since you started here. Oh don't go giving me that "I've earned the right to get Christmas Eve off" bullshit. You've been skiiing the slopes of Mount Slackmore since you began your employment with us. How about instead I give you an early Christmas card in the form of a festive pink slip? That would certainly make my Xmas dreams come true. Hell, I doubt that you'll even notice any change in your daily routine after you've been fired. You're so used to dogf*cking that you could write a documentary on canine reproduction. Oh I know
you'll probably show up late tomorrow on Xmas Eve anyhow, or call in sick.
But one thing I can guarantee: you'll definitely be on time when the unemployment
office opens up on the 27th, when it's time to pick up your UI cheque.
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