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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR INTERNET HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
COMPUTER DEN-- Jeremy Glavine is struggling to compete in the frag-or-be-fragged world of multiplayer gaming. Jeremy, a soft-core gamer, believes that his Internet connection is responsible for his poor performance on public gaming servers. Jeremy recently upgraded to ADSL, but now the games are just too fast for him.
Jeremy noticed the difference in speed the very first time he connected. "I'm playing on this Serious Sam server, and everyone's just 'whipping' by me," described Jeremy. "The other players are moving so fast I can't track them, and I'm dead before I can say 'Wolfenstein'. I'm basically getting my ass kicked because I can't keep up with the speed of this blazing high-speed Internet connection." Jeremy didn't have this problem when he was on dial-up. He still lost, but he was able to blame it on high ping rates, packet loss, and his own limited bandwidth. "I didn't mind losing then," said Jeremy, who enjoys first-person shooters above all other gaming genres. "Every modem-kill in Quake was a sweet victory. And if I got killed? So what?! Who's going to gloat over fragging a poor guy playing at a mere 56K?" Jeremy has considered getting a slower computer to compensate for the speeds, but he doesn't want to trade away processing power for reaction time. "Maybe if I throttled my connection, I could slow down the game a bit," wondered Jeremy. "If the other players were moving a little slower, I'd stand an even chance. As it is now, I'm lucky if I last ten seconds on any map." He was having the same trouble on almost every multiplayer gaming server he tried, but noticed that the speed wasn't as much of an issue when he logged onto MSN's Zone to play a game of Hearts, or when he idled in an IRC chat room. "Maybe
I'll just keep my old dial-up account for gaming," conceded Jeremy,
"and use the high-speed line for speeding up the delivery of my e-mail."
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| This fictional story about satire is intended for adults. | The World Leader in Canadian humour, humor, parody, and satire. | |
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