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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR MENTOS HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
WHISTLER MOUNTAIN-- Many people in the world are happy-go-lucky. But some, like Brian Swartnic, are nauseatingly optimistic. While most bouts of happiness can be explained away by healthy lifestyle choices and fortunate circumstances, others are attributed to a rare condition known as acute Mentosis, an affliction that causes the people around you to become violently ill from the sight of your excessive cheerfulness. Mentosis is caused by the consumption of candies known as Mentos™.
Brian, what one would call a Mentophile, is dependent upon the freshtastic mint-flavoured candy, and is subject to mood swings if he doesn't ingest them in sufficient quantities. On a recent skiing vacation, Brian failed to light-up the ski slopes, and regretted the entire trip, all because he forgot to stock-up on the delicious elliptical mint candies. During his drab adventure, Brian constantly thought about Mentos, and how they would have made his alpine experience more enjoyable and lively. "Without 'the Freshmaker', I'm nothing," said Brian, whose obsession with the heavily marketed cylinders of candy has cost him some friendships. "It puts the candy in its mouth, and then it gets the party startin'." Brian was suffering from depression two years ago, but got out of his muddle after an unexplainably perky co-worker introduced him to the mysterious Mentos candy. "I was unfresh as unfresh could be," said Brian about his pre-Mentos funk. "Oh, I tried other candies, but nothing else worked. It was the power of Mentos that brought me back from the edge and into the world of freshtivity." Brian's brush with freshness changed his life, and he vowed never to let another funk ruin his freshly acquired outlook. "The power of fresh is strong in this one," Brian says to his Mentosian friends (other people like him, who eat Mentos mints). "How fresh it is, my fresh-faced friends. You are worthy of the freshness." Wendy Solowski, Brian's former girlfriend, broke-up with Brian after he began to take Mentos. "Brian went all kitsch on me, with his fresh and fancy-free attitude," said Wendy. "I knew that Mentos had taken hold of him. He wanted me to 'join him', but I said: 'I ain't puttin' that in my mouth', the mints I mean." Brian's relentlessly upbeat disposition has unnerved those around him (likely caused by the mentosis) but he continues to strive to be as annoyingly effervescent as possible. Paul Derksen, who works with Brian, is not swayed by his unnaturally chirpy new approach to life. "One
day--very soon--I'm going to take a very large roll of Mentos, jam it
up [Brian's] ass, and turn him into a Pez™ dispenser."
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| This fictional story about satire is intended for adults. | The World Leader in Canadian humour, humor, parody, and satire. | |
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