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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR SQUEEGEE HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
ON THE STREETS-- It's a situation that is appalling to citizens, and an issue that politicians would rather wash their hands of. Street-kids, runaways without a means of support, are being forced into the illicit windshield-cleaning trade. Cleaning automobile windows for donations, indentured children are forced to hand over their earnings to squeegee pimps, street-roaming parasites who sponge off of them like Bounty on a juice spill.
Legal windshield cleaners, the real squeegee people, are up in arms over what they perceive as horrible abuses of human rights, not to mention the extra influx of competition on key corners and trade routes. "They're squeegee-whores, sopping up legitimate business like a sponge, or perhaps a chamois," said Naomi Watson, a squeegee-worker who claims the popular Slocan and First Avenue corner as her own. "These squeegee pimps are a menace to my business. How can I compete with a sad-faced 12-year-old wielding a new 12" double-bladed Squeegee-Pro along with an overflowing bucket of suds?" asked Naomi, adjusting the bolt in her nose. "Some of them are barely old enough to wash their parents' cars, let alone a stranger's Suburban." Squeegee pimps attract children with promises of easy money, free candy, and fashionable toys their parents won't buy for them. Given a soap pail and a squeegee, the pimp sets up the squeegee-kid at a busy intersection, and picks them up at the end of the day, taking their day's earnings and leaving them with just enough spare change to squeek by on. Why don't the children leave?
"Jeff promised to give me a whole pack of the new Pokemon 'Rare Fossil Candy' card sets if I worked real hard this week," said one child on the condition of anonymity. "That's a good deal, because they cost about $10, and I'd have to save for a month on the allowance my parents would give me. This way I'll have it by Friday, as long as I bring in over $300. I guess I could wash windows for myself, but Jeff told me the police would throw me in jail for 38 years if they caught me without a proper squeegee license like he has. Besides I don't own my squeegee, and John says they cost $750." Other kids squeegee reluctantly, hoping for a break or lucky streak. Corey is a squeegee kid who works at Main Street at Broadway. "I'm only cleaning windshields because I'm hoping that with these street skills I'll be able to get a job at a car wash, or maybe a car lot, or quite possibly a glass repair shop," he said. It's a filthy, grimy business. Squeegee people, especially young ones, are often wiped out by the end of the day. Citizens encourage the pimps and their slippery trade by buying their services. 'Johns' who let young boys or girls clear the muddy streaks off their auto-glass may be the ultimate villains. Do their wives, girlfriends, and car dealers realize where they're getting their cars cleaned? Children
aren't the only ones targeted by squeegee pimps. The wretched and mentally
ill are also coerced into the trade with outlandish promises of record
contracts, movie deals, or enough quarters to finally finish that game
of Street Fighter.
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| This fictional story about satire is intended for adults. | The World Leader in Canadian humour, humor, parody, and satire. | |
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