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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR SCATALOGICAL HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
MIDDLE CANADA-- One of Canada's most peculiar creatures is also one of its foulest. The Mustela Offalis, or crap weasel as it is commonly known, lives in the boreal forest over much of the country. Unlike other species of the same genus, the crap weasel is not a neat and tidy creature, but instead, a lazy omnivore that likes to roll in its own excrement.
Exact numbers of the crap weasel are unknown, as it is an apprehensive animal that will hide if it senses humans, and will leave only traces of its odor as an indicator of its presence. Trappers, the main source of information for the Canadian Department of Animal Resources, refuse to touch the animal, and so, much remains to be learned about this noxious creature. There are no crap weasels in captivity, as the overpowering scent of decaying feces is too much for would-be human handlers. Instead, what little information that does exist comes from the sporadic accounts of hunters, hikers, and herbalists. These reports indicate that the weasel rolls around in its own offal, making it repulsive to predators, but also to its mates. Its main diet consists of roots and tubers, but has been seen eating mice, voles and vores. It's an open question as to how the crap weasel can get close enough to catch its prey without its own repugnant scent giving it away. The crap weasel appears to be a solitary animal. It lives in dens dug into the ground, but with plenty of ventilation (for obvious reasons). It's mating habits are unknown, but many guess that the female's olfactory senses shut off during mating season. Reports of the animal go back to the early 1700s when members of the Hudson's Bay Company reported trapping "a creature so fowle [sic] wee left owr trappes and ranne as quicklie as possible to our canoes, much to the merrimente of oure native guides." The weasels seem to avoid populated areas. Ironically, it is suggested they are repulsed by the smells of humans. The animal has never been commercially trapped, as there is little value in the stinky pelts of the crap weasel. The smell never leaves the fur, and the stains are nearly impossible to remove. Thus the animal has cleverly preserved itself. Although they are capable of swimming, the crap weasel avoids the water where possible, presumably because it would wash off its pungent protection. The crap weasel is not related to the urine-soaked badger, the fecal ferret, or the reeking raccoon, although they have similar defense measures. Because humans tend to avoid them they are not believed to be threatened with extinction, although some naturalists suggest they should be. Young weasels leave the den as soon as they bloody-well can. Unlike the
popular joke about the bear and rabbit in the woods, this is probably
one of the only animals who doesn't have a problem with shit sticking
to its fur.
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