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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR PLASMA HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
NORTH AMERICA-- Plasma televisions are the hottest new home entertainment item to hit the market in quite some time. The huge screens offer fantastic picture detail, and their ultra-thin sizes make them an easy fit in any home. But although manufacturers are enjoying huge revenues from the surging plasma TV sales, their blood banks are desperately low on plasma, the crucial material needed for its production.
Plasma displays work by running an electric current through the blood plasma, and using varying electrical voltage to stimulate the plasma atoms causing them to release varying levels of photonic energy, which produces the different range of colours. The millions of different atoms work together to produce the television image. Blood plasma has a rich, natural property to it, which makes for clear, sharp images--especially red. But with expected sales of the new plasma units to increase to 11 million in 2003, there is a already a crucial shortage on blood plasma, and more donors will be required to meet the needs of manufacturers. Mark Piehl, production manager for NEC Solutions America, said his company is thinking of offering discounts to purchasers who provide the plasma for their own TVs. And rival Samsung Electronics Co. Ltd. has already opened up several plasma donor clinics across the United States, and has a mobile plasma-mobile in Canada. "Sure, most people can't afford $6,000 for a TV set," said Randy Whitehead, vice-president of Samsung's North America Plasma Division. "But we're banking on the donors wanting other people to be happy, and maybe, with their small sacrifice, we'll be able to come up with a solution to make plasma TV's even cheaper and more affordable. Right now we're working on a deal with the Red Cross, in exchange for some heart monitors." But not everyone is pleased with the scientific process of using blood plasma for purely recreational purposes. "Television already sucks the life out of people," said Shirley Rempel, a spokesperson for the Jehovah's Witnesses. "Now, it's leeching it right out of their bodies and directly into TV. We must abstain from blood, as we should abstain from mindless reality television programs." Still, most people are happy to give a little of themselves for what they believe is a good cause. "After donating two pints of plasma," described Laurie Evans-Castner at a recent clinic, "I got a glass of orange juice, a chocolate-chip cookie, and a $100 certificate towards the purchase of a 63" Samsung HPL 6315 Plasma TV!" Laurie, who was a little drained after the experience, had to steady herself on the display model which was playing Ice Age. "I can't wait until I can afford a good plasma TV," said Mark Cohen, donating plasma at the same clinic. "The screen just seems to come alive--well in a way it is alive! I'm hoping in two years--when I think I can make a downpayment--they'll have one where you can just be connected with an IV drip. I'm pumped about that." Consumers
are just learning that they'll need to replace the plasma every 5,000
hrs. Because the plasma starts to break down, transfusions will be required
to maintain the warranties on the televisions. But for consumers who have
always been willing to pay an arm and a leg for high-end electronics,
they probably won't mind being leeched.
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