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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
Dear Feeling Bad: I think it's safe to say that here is a classic example of a witch at work. We'll have to move quickly to burn this engine of the fire of lust out of your person, for, as Aristotle says (Physics, IV), prevention and cure are related to one another, and are, accidentally, matters of causation. In this way the whole foundation of this horrible heresy may be made clear. It is asked, especially around St. Valentine's Day, whether a man or woman can be so blessed by the good Angels that they cannot be bewitched by witches in matters of the genitalia. It seems that they cannot, for it has already been proved that even the blameless and innocent and the just are often afflicted by devils, as was Job; and many innocent children, as well as countless other humble and good christians. Many seemingly cute and lively virgins are seen to be bewitched, although not to the same extent as sinners--they are not afflicted in the perdition of their souls, but only in their worldly goods and their bodies. This is despite the contrary confessions of witches, who claim they cannot injure everybody, but only those whom they learn, through the information of devils, to be destitute of Divine help. However, there are some steps you can take to make sure you're feelings are clear, and that you will not be seduced by the devil's handiwork in your genital functions. For those who are bewitched in their generative functions are so deprived of the guardianship of Angels that they are either in mortal sin always, or practise those impurities with too lustful a zest. God permits greater powers of witchcraft against that function, not so much because of its nastiness, as because it was this act that caused the corruption of our first parents and, by its contagion, brought the inheritance of original sin upon the whole human race. In Philadelphia a man was being tempted by the devil in the form of a woman to copulate, and became greatly disturbed when the devil would not desist. But it came into the poor man's mind that he ought to defend himself by taking Blessed Salt, available at low cost from your local cathedral, as he had heard in a sermon. So, he took some Blessed Salt on entering his bathroom. The woman looked fiercely at him, and, cursing whatever devil had taught him to do this, suddenly disappeared. For the devil can, with God's permission, present himself either in the form of a witch, or by possessing the body of an actual witch. Let us give a few examples of how a good Angel sometimes blesses just and holy men, especially in the matter of the genital instincts. The Abbot S. Serenus, as it is told by Cassian in his Collations of the Fathers, laboured to achieve an inward chastity of heart and soul, by prayers both by night and day, by fasting and by vigils, till he at last perceived that, by Divine grace, he had extinguished all the surgings of carnal concupiscence. Finally, stirred by an even greater zeal for chastity, he used all the above holy practices to pray the Almighty and All-Good God to grant him that, by God's gift, the chastity which he felt in his heart should be visibly conferred upon his body. Then an Angel of the Lord came to him in a vision in the night, and seemed to open his belly and take from his entrails a burning tumour of flesh, and then to replace all his intestines as they had been; and said: Lo! the provocation of your flesh is cut out, and know that this day you have obtained perpetual purity of your body, according to the prayer which you prayed, so that you will never again be pricked with that natural desire which is aroused even in babes and sucklings. Similarly S. Gregory, in the first book of his Dialogues, tells of the Blessed Abbot Equitius. This man, he says, was in his youth greatly troubled by the provocation of the flesh; but the very distress of his temptation made him all the more zealous in his application to prayer. And when he continuously prayed Almighty God for a remedy against this affliction, an Angel appeared to him one night and seemed to make him an eunuch, and it seemed to him in his vision that all feeling was taken away from his genital organs; and from that time he was such a stranger to temptation as if he had no sex in his body. Behold what benefit there was in that purification; for he was so filled with virtue that, with the help of Almighty God, just as he was before pre-eminent among, so he afterwards became pre-eminent over women. Take heed Feeling Bad! Again, there was a certain holy Father, a monk named Helias. This man was moved by pity to collect thirty women in a monastery, and began to rule over them. But after two years, when he was thirty years old, he fled from the temptation of the flesh into a hermitage, and fasting there for two days, prayed to God, saying: “O Lord God, either slay me, or deliver me from this temptation.” And in the evening a dream came to him, and he saw three Angels approach him; and they asked him why he had fled from that monastery of virgins. But when he did not dare to answer, for shame, the Angels said: If you are set free from temptation, will you return to your cure of those women? And he answered that he would willingly. They then extracted an oath to that effect from him, and made him an eunuch. For one seemed to hold his hands, another his feet, and the third to cut out his testicles with a knife; though this was not really so, but only seemed to be. And when they asked if he felt himself remedied, he answered that he was entirely delivered. So, on the fifth day, he returned to the sorrowing women, and ruled over them for the forty years that he continued to live, and never again felt a spark of that first temptation. No less a benefit do we read to have been conferred upon the Blessed Thomas, whom his brothers imprisoned for entering that Order; and, wishing to tempt him, they sent in to him a seductive and sumptuously adorned harlot. But when the Doctor had looked at her, he ran to the material fire, and snatching up a lighted torch, drove the engine of the fire of lust out of his person; and, prostrating himself in a prayer for the gift of chastity, went to sleep. Two Angels then appeared to him, saying: Behold, at the bidding of God we gird you with a girdle of chastity, which cannot be loosed by any other such temptation; neither can it be acquired by the merits of human virtue, but is given as a gift by God alone. And he felt himself girded, and was aware of the touch of the girdle, and cried out and awaked. And thereafter he felt himself endowed with so great a gift of chastity, that from that time he abhorred all the delights of the flesh, so that he could not even speak to a woman except under compulsion, but was strong in his perfect chastity. From this angelic examples it is clear that no one is secure from witches. All are liable to be bewitched, or to be tempted and incited by some witchery. We may then need to question you to ascertain the extent of the corruption. Please have a list of your relatives handy, indicating which ones have already been accused of witchcraft. We'll also need a list of everyone you've talked to in the last 72 hours. Together, and with the benefit of strict examinations, we will rid the world of evil! I will be at Ptarmigan's Donuts and Coffee on 196th Street Southwest in Lynwood, Washington next week from 10am until 2pm, Tuesday through Friday. I invite everyone to drop by with questions about witchcraft, or just to say hi. I'll treat the first 6 people who can successfully name the dates for the festivals of St. Honorius St. Eusebius successfully to a coffee and donut of their choice.
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Sexual
Health by Ignatious de la Pena y de Ybarra, Senior Inquisitor