 |
 | |||
|
|
| |||
|
|
 |
 |
|||||||||||||||
| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR CANADIAN HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
UP NORTH-- The Canadian government has developed a new plan to inoculate citizens against Log Cabin Fever, or Aegretudo Silva Casa, a scourge of much of the population. Log cabins are the primary source of housing for most Canadians that don't live in igloos, and although they are easily made, there are risks associated with the earthy home structures. Canadians are 48% more likely to develop Log Cabin Fever, which can be caused from long exposure to bare logs, than Americans or even Swedes.
Although not terminal, the disease does sap strength, making it difficult to lay traps, hew wood, or draw water--all traditional pastimes that most Canadians enjoy. The inoculation is made of tiny slivers of pine. Injected into the blood stream, the human body develops a resistance to the disease and in most cases complete immunity. There are two types of inoculation: green wood and dead wood. Green wood inoculation uses plant material that is still living. Although much more successful, there is some resistance to using it, due to the mostly mythical case of a small town in northern Ontario being turned into a stand of silver birch. Several other steps are being taken to combat the disease, including weather-treating logs, or insulating the harmful wood fibres from human touch. Canadians are researching the possibility of using drywall and other insulating materials to protect themselves against the dangers of cabin log exposure. Although often villainized, pine logs aren't a cause of the fever. The natural antiseptic and cleaning properties of pine are well-known, especially for polishing and waxing wood furniture. Instead, it is now believed that a reaction occurs between untreated logs and maple syrup fumes that releases the lignator nemorosus chemicals associated with the fever. Normally bark keeps trees from releasing these harmful chemicals. The dangerous log vapours dissipate during milling processes, and finished wood products contain only trace amounts, well below the 125 ppb (parts per ba-jillion) recommended by the health board. "It's the enclosed space of a log cabin, the maple syrup, and back-bacon combined with the chemicals that are naturally released from the logs that causes the fever," said Dr. Pierre Preshiere, of the Northern Manitoba Medical Alliance Hospital. "It's much the same as breathing carbon monoxide in your garage, or second-hand smoke in a bingo hall. If there is no air circulation, which there is very little in log cabins, there remains a risk." Windows are rarely installed in log cabins as they only let in the cold air. Chimneys and stove pipes provide little--if any--advantage in ventilation, and since very few of the cabins have the advantage of electricity, there is little possibility of installing HVAC (Heating Ventilation Air Conditioning) systems. Still, with
inoculations well underway, and new building patterns in place, officials
hope to reduce instances of Log Cabin Fever to less than 35% of the population,
which is pretty good eh.
|
||||||||||||||||
 |
|
|||||||||||||||
| This fictional story about satire is intended for adults. | The World Leader in Canadian humour, humor, parody, and satire. | |
| Tell us what you thought. Visit our Message Boards. | HOME | DISCLAIMER | ABOUT US | Copyright 2005-2001 The Toque Entertainment. |
