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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR COIN LAUNDRY HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
INSIDE A COIN LAUNDRY--William "Bill" White wants to change the way people think about money laundering. Bill, the owner of Dirty Bill's Coin Laundry and a cleansing consultant for the National Committee on Money Laundering, wants to wash away the assumption that all coin and bill launderers are associated with crime.
Money launderers have been fighting against an unfair stereotype reinforced by film and television. In every situation the money launderer is portrayed as a dirty accountant working in a shabby, under lit basement, cleaning the taint off of illicit drug money for some slick Central American cartel. "I get a lot of dirty looks when I explain what I do for a living," said Bill, who opened up his first coin laundry in 1986. "There's no shame in cleaning money, but when I explain that I launder it, people either threaten to call the police or ask if I can do them a 'favour.' " According to the National Committee on Money Laundering, clean money is healthy money. With the number of times that money changes hands, there's no surprise at how much grime and bacteria gets carried along with it. And because you just don't know where that money has been, it never hurts to get it laundered, preferably by a professional launderer. Independent money launderers like Bill can restore the lustre to your tarnished change, and return the green to your faded greenbacks--without the exorbitant charges that certain banks in the Caribbean demand. "Plus, we're local and part of your community," said Bill. "Bring in a bag of dirty money, and we'll run it through one of the new GE triple-load washers, which can hold up to $893 in change. Your coins and tokens will shine like the day they were minted."
Bill already has a small, but loyal, group of customers, but he is working hard to remove the stigma. Local businesses, such as Reynald Steel, use Dirty Bill's Coin Laundry at least once a month. "When I get my hands on some dirty money, and it all seems to be dirty these days, I don't want to even touch the stuff before Dirty Bill runs it through the wash," said Rupert Flint, owner of Reynald Steel. "I like Bill's convenient drop-off service. Sure, it's an extra two bucks per bag, but then it's all cleaned, counted, pressed, and packaged for me." "And I like the feel of crisp bills snapping in my fingers," said Rupert. "Each one comes back smelling minty fresh." But money laundering is not without its sudsy share of currency-related challenges. "Blood money is hard to work with," said Bill. "Those stains are just murder to get out. Or if a Canadian bill accidentally goes in with the wash, the colours will run, devaluing the whole load." "Don't even talk to me about chocolate coins!" Bill added. Whether you
wish to pay your debts with crisp, clean bills, or you just want to give
your kid a handful of shiny pennies, the local money launderer is the
place to go.
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| This fictional story about satire is intended for adults. | The World Leader in Canadian humour, humor, parody, and satire. | |
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