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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR POLITICAL HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
THE YOU ESS OF EH-- The United States is stepping-up its efforts with the "Special Registration" program, which identifies immigrants, citizens of questionable origin, non-American visitors, and those who don't have a clear understanding of fundamental American values.
The United States, and the U.S. Immigration and Naturalization Service, are recommending a system of identifying immigrants and visitors from potentially dangerous countries. The new system, which is part of U.S. anti-terrorism efforts, is designed to make is easier for honest God-fearing citizens as well as law-enforcement authorities to recognize Persons Of Interest (POI). "It used to be easy to identify someone who was 'different' ," said one anonymous INS worker. "Now, it's getting harder to tell who the real Americans are." As part of the new program, detailed records of foreigners and questionable citizens will be kept, including tissue samples, blood types, and other important DNA information. A numeric identification system is also in the works. Foreign nationals will be required to have an identification number, either an electronic implant, or simple tattoo engraved on the forearm. Barcodes, an efficient identification system, are also being considered. They may be tattooed on the backs of people's necks, where they would be noticed less, but still easy to scan. County, state, and international borders will be equipped with scanning devices (much like at the supermarket), to quickly determine where people are traveling. There is even talk of incorporating all retail stores into the department's network so that whenever a foreigner, or other POI buys a loaf of bread or sack of fertilizer their identity--along with their purchase--will be sent to the central computers (if it's not already being done).
Although much of this tracking will be done using the latest technologies, the U.S. Immigration and Naturalization Service will also be handing out special INS badges, golden stars that POIs will be required to wear on their outer garments, visible to everyone. Further, non-American businessmen residing within the United States will be required to place the INS identification logos in store windows. "These identification badges are important," said Wilson Smith, a department minion, "so that American citizens can recognize those that are not from the United States, or that may have ties to other countries, or just may sympathize with countries or persons under the influence of evil." As part of the broader post-September 11th efforts to protect Americans against terrorism, the INS's identification program is expected to reduce the number of illegal immigrants, and to strengthen American-Islamic relations. It is expected that human rights and freedoms will be better protected by identifying those who are different. Attorney General John Ashcroft believes the identification program will help Americans identify those who are not American, and therefore should be treated with suspicion and distrust. "We
will always welcome visitors from foreign countries. And with the new
INS identification logo, we'll be able to tell which people are different,
in that they're not American, and that they should be closely watched,
and not left alone anywhere without supervision," said Ashcroft.
"The logo helps Americans identify people that shouldn't be trusted,
because they come from different countries, and that is bad...and Un-American."
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