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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
OTTAWA-- Is Canada trying to subvert the American economy? That's what many worried Americans believe, and they may be right. It's quite possible that Canadians, and their ridiculous money, are infiltrating the U.S. currency a few cents at a time.
"Non-cents," said Paul Martin, Canada's minister of finance. "Canadian coins, although similar in size and shape, made from the same metals, and are minted in the same denominations, are distinct from their American counterparts. It's not even feasible to think that one currency can compare to the other. They're very distinct. It makes no cents at all." Americans are worried that their otherwise passive neighbours to the North are secretly trying to disrupt economic stability, and the easiest way to do that is by "nickel and diming" the monetary system. The Canadian dollar is worth about sixty-five cents U.S. It may be that Canada is trying to gain an advantage in currency markets by assimilating their money into the American system. The U.S. Treasury Department is advising citizens to be wary of Canadian attempts to infuse their "Canucklehead coins" and "illegal tender" into circulation. "The easiest way to identify Canadian 'moose' money is by the absence of any American presidents embossed onto the coins," said a department spokesperson. "We believe that Canadians use mythical creatures like lemmings, basilisks, and reindeer on one side of their coins, and portraits of Canadian female curling stars on the other." But it may already be too late to stop the infiltration. Canadian money has been a natural part of economic trade between the two countries for countless years--ten at least. American casinos encourage Canadians to spend their own money at equal value, as long as they're gambling, border towns rely on Canadians to buy their cheese and gas, and international trade with Canada has always been based on cash because Canadians have such poor credit ratings. Most Canadians deny that there is any sort of "coinspiracy" going on. "We
invented the loonie," said Penny Aucoin, a Canadian investment analyst,
"and then the Americans came out--years later--with their own 'original'
gold-coloured $1 coin. Who's trying to cash in on whom?"
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