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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
TEHRAN-- The Islamic Republic of Iran, guided by the wisdom of its fundamentalist imams and leaders, has recommended sentencing to death American actor James Woods for crimes against humanity. The Iranian goverment, after receiving several copies of American movie pictures, believes that Mr. Woods is a very bad man, and an enemy of Allaah.
The Supreme National Security Council (SNSC), the institution responsible for watching over the Islamic Revolution and safeguarding Iran's national interests and territorial integrity, has determined that the notorious James Woods, presents a threat to the social and cultural framework of the Iranian way of life. In compliance with God's order, a fatwa (religious ruling) was issued to all Iranian Muslims. Woods joins the list which includes author Salman Rushdie, dissident Behzad Ruhollah Khalkhali, and fellow American actor Ben Vereen. Saeed Tuzeeugoh, the Deputy Minister of Information and former representative to the committe of the People's Consultative Assembly, is a strong supporter of the Woods decree. "I am very supportive of the decision of the administrative body to have the sentence of death placed upon the American who plays so many shifty characters in cinematic movies," said Saeed. "We are convinced that this behavior is contrary to not only our laws and beliefs, but those of all humanity. The punishment of death is the only acceptable way of purging this frightening character from our lives." The SNSC recently viewed a copy of Against All Odds, and determined, based on the evidence presented in the film, that James Woods, who played seedy nightclub owner Jake Wise, was a callous individual, and his attitudes and acting style undermined Iranian fundamentalist beliefs. Coincidentally, Danish officials felt the same way about Jeff Bridges, but were not willing to pursue the matter. The edict was further enforced by evidence extracted from Woods' nefarious roles in Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within, The General's Daughter, John Carpenter's Vampires, and Contact. The American government has declined comment, although unofficially, several officials are supportive of the Iranian decree. One Woods supporter, Yamat Al Nafarram, pleaded for mercy, claiming that Mr. Woods' sympathetic performance as Drew Barrymore's father in the woebegone comedy-drama Riding In Cars With Boys was enough to show that there was some righteousness in the actor. Al Nafarram
instead suggested sending the Iranian SNSC several Keanu Reeves films
for their comments and judgement.
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