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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR MONARCHIST HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
OTTAWA, CANADA -- Elizabeth II, the Queen of England, has been Canada's ruling monarch for more than fifty years. The Queen has led the country year after year, but Her Royal Majesty could become a free agent if she isn't signed by the end of 2003. Queen Elizabeth is in the option year of a 50+1 contract that was originally penned in 1952.
Presently, the Queen's royal agent is still in fierce negotiations with the Canadian government, but talks have been stalled. Canada has already offered the queen a long-term deal, believed to be for another twenty-five years, but the daughter of King George VI failed to grant it royal assent. The Queen is demanding a huge increase to her annuity, a buyout clause added to her Civil List, and a no-trade agreement with non-Commonwealth countries. "If a reasonable agreement cannot be...agreed upon, Her Highness has indicated that she may withdraw from monarching to spend more time with her Corgis," said royal analyst Sir Wilbur Warthingtonsonshire. "She's already served as Canada's figurehead longer than any other ruler, and she holds most of the career records, including that of Most Valuable Regent." The 77-year-old British ruler is exercising the option year of her extremely long-term contract, and has already suggested that she may retire at the end of the year. "She just won the Golden Jubilee," added Warthingtonsonshire. "What more does she have to shoot for?" Finance minister Paul Martin, who is leading the negotiations, is trying to do what's best for Canada. "We want to negotiate a contract that's best for both parties, but we don't want to get royally screwed," said Martin. "Everyone knows the Queen is well past her prime."
While Canada is hoping to lock Liz into a long-term deal, they may have other options. "Our top regal scouts have been looking at some younger prospects," said Martin, "such as Hereditary Grand Duke Guillaume of Luxembourg, British-born Princess Alexandra of Denmark, and of course the highly sought-after Prince Carl Philip of Sweden. If we can't sign the Queen, we'll need to consider restructuring." Experts feel that Canada isn't in any position to pressure the Queen, but Australia and New Zealand have already extended her reign until 2007. "The truth is that [The Canadians] don't want to have to change the face on their money," stated Warthingtonsonshire. "It's true, when you think Canada, Queen Elizabeth II immediately comes to mind," said Lord Edward Black, another royalist. "She's been leading the 'team' for a very long time. But you know, maybe Canada needs to shake things up and look to the future. There's some red-hot young bluebloods out there aching for a chance to rule." Earlier this
year, Prince Rainier re-signed with Monaco (terms were not disclosed).
King Abdullah II of Jordan is still in a hold-out situation. Rumours are
that he might sign on with Luxembourg if his terms aren't met.
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