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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR LOONEY HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
DOWN SOUTH-- It was a situation more dangerous than a rusty six-shooter in a mouldy holster. It was a predicament worse than neglecting the split ends on an oversized handlebar moustache. And you knew it was going to blow up in Yosemite Sam's face like an ill-conceived, rocket-powered roadrunner-catching invention. Sam, beloved Looney Tunes star, inadvertently mixed up a pair of pianos (pronounced "pee-ann-ahs"), giving one intended for his girlfriend Maude Pettiflower, to that "lily-livered" Bugs Bunny, and the one meant for Bugs...to Maude.
What makes this tale of double-crosses potentially tragic was that, yes, one of the pianos was booby-trapped! The always-animated Sam had intended the dynamite-laden, walnut-finished, upright piano to be sent to "that no-good flea-bitten varmint." Unfortunately the piano packaging was identical for both instruments, and in his haste to blow up the rabbit, Yosemite Sam mislabeled the UPS stickers. Maude, who does not like to be called "granny," was pleased and surprised to receive the piano-gift from her sweetheart. "This helped make up for the holes he shot through my kitchen roof last spring," she said, and promptly played Tie a Yellow Ribbon and Swanee River. Fortunately for Maude, neither musical piece used the low E, the key that was booby-trapped with 20 pounds of Acme-brand dynamite. Bugs Bunny was also pleased, and more than a little surprised, to receive a piano from his rival, especially since the accompanying note suggested that they should be "more than just friends." "I guess perhaps he's had a change of heart, that old galoot," said Bugs, while chewing on a trademark carrot, and playing Bach's Toccata and Fugue in C-sharp minor, which does use the low E key. Yosemite Sam, who had hid behind a tree near Bugs Bunny's rabbit hole, was astonished to learn that the long-eared fur-bearin' critter was not blown to smithereens, kingdom come, or itsy-bitsy pieces. Not suspecting an error on his own part, Sam let out a string of colourful curses and vowed to get revenge on the shipping company, the explosives company, and the piano (still pronounced "pee-an-ah") company. At dinner with Maude that evening, Sam mentioned that he had been "ripped-off" and was about ready to tell everyone to "say their prayers" before shooting some extra holes in their heads. Maude stalled him just long enough to talk some sense into the potty-mouthed prospector. "Now Samuel, that just wouldn't be right," said Maude in a gentle, calming manner. "I'm certain that the nice gentlemen who sold you these pianos made a simple mistake. If you ask them nicely, I'm sure they'll exchange them for you." Yosemite Sam felt his heels cool at the reasonable words from his tender companion. "Great horny toads, Maude, that's why I love you," said Sam, who then jotted a quick note in his PDA as a reminder to call the company first thing in the morning and rationally discuss the possibility of their "eating some lead." Maude and Yosemite Sam go way back, but it has only been since they've started seeing each other regularly that Sam has "mellowed out" and learned to control his temper. Sam used to be the "hootenist, tootenist, shootenist, bob-tailed wildcat in the West," but Maude has managed to tame him like a pet-shop kitten. But despite the change in temperament, Bug Bunny still gets under his skin, and Sam hoped that by blowing up the varmint he could let go of his past and get on with his life. Later that evening, Maude attempted to play Moonlight Sonata by Beethoven, which makes extensive use of the low E key, but she couldn't hit the right notes. Sam, frustrated with the events of the day, hastily pushed her out of the way to play it himself, saying: "No! That ain't right! You're doin' it all wrong!" Sam then hit the "right" note, which then caused the dynamite to explode. Fortunately for Maude, Sam took the full force of the explosion in his face, singeing his hat, hair, eyebrows and moustache, and leaving his face blackened with soot. Yosemite
Sam, whose longstanding grievance with Bugs Bunny has been well-documented
in classic cartoons, was last heard muttering under his breath: "I
hate that f*cking rabbit."
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