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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR HOCKEY HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
RURAL CANADA --The Canadian Charter of Rights and Freedoms grants every Canadian citizen the right to receive radio transmissions, and the right to watch our national sport--hockey. But for many millions of Canadians living in isolated regions, such as Saskatchewan, cablevision is not an option.
That is why the Canadian government spends tens of thousands of dollars every year on Hockey Mobiles, big trucks with big screens that provide "live" hockey action to underprivileged and transmission-deprived Canadians. The trucks are maintained by the Canadian Broadcast Corporation (CBC), the only approved television provider in the culturally and technologically backwards nation. The CBC provides information services to out-of-touch Canadians, promoting Canadian content and Canadian artists, but more importantly, it delivers (literally) Hockey Night In Canada to hockey-starved Canadians wherever they reside. The trucks use a mystical technology referred to as "satellite," a fancy science that beams magical television signals from the heavens. These signals are received by a satellite "dish," a remarkable device that harvests the mysterious satellite beams and converts them into recognizable analog television signals. "For years, the CBC has been bringing quality hockey broadcasts to your home," said Stan Mikita, director of programming. "And with the hockey mobiles we will ensure that every Canadian, whether he or she be in the remote outlying region of Kenora, or the distant obscure reaches of Winnipeg, has access to broadcasts from the NHL, AHL, and WHL." Most Canadians are grateful for the service, which is guaranteed to them under Canadian law. Before that, only major cities, such as Toronto, Montreal, and Kamloops had access to premium television services on cable, which was first introduced into Canada in 1997. "I'm thankful that I got a chance to watch the [Toronto Maple Leafs] fall again," said Paul Freeley, a resident of Vancouver Island where even basic electricity is a luxury. "Before the arrival of these magical hockey trucks, we all had to gather in church to listen to them choke [in the playoffs] via hand-cranked radio, or wait until a passing missionary brought news from the mainland." Seventeen
hockey mobiles will be in service across the ten Canadian provinces and
three territories during the hockey playoffs, and if there is any money
left in the national budget, one or two may be used to cover curling.
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