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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR CANADIAN TIRE HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
CANADA-- Canadian men are grateful for the many useful products offered and services provided by Canada's only retailer, Canadian Tire. The government-run supplier meets all of the consumer needs of on-the-go male Canadians, who are far too busy to engage in time-wasting activities such as shopping.
As the lone seller of goods and services in the Great White North, Canadian Tire meets the needs of Canadian men by providing everything from cordless extension cords to self-cleaning camping stoves. The one-stop shopping experience frees up valuable time for guys who would rather be watching the game than driving around town looking for "the best deal." Competition, variety, and choice are over-rated concepts. "The Ministry of Consumer Affairs already does that for us," said Gary Lupul, a care-free Canadian shopper. "They spend billions of dollars every year doing all the necessary research to find reasonable products at fair prices for male consumers." "The government wouldn't sell us Garden Weasels™, Pocket Fishermen™, or those revolutionary pressure-nozzle gutter cleaning attachments if we didn't have a need for them," continued Lupul. "And they're certainly not going to overcharge us." The government's control of the retail industry does not extend to products and services intended for women--it wouldn't be possible--but men are satisfied with the control exercised for their own best interests. "You can get it all at Canadian Tire, or so the saying goes," says retail analyst Larry Robinson. "It's so much easier to go out and buy a computer, a hockey stick, or power tools when you know there's no need to worry about choice. That's a load off my mind." In the 1980's, Canadian men spent far too many uncomfortable hours inside of supermalls and shopping plazas--time that could have been better spent at the rink, or in front of the TV. The Retail Revolution of 1990 led to the closure of all non-federally controlled businesses, leaving the government in charge of the only remaining franchise, Canadian Tire. "It's the only store Canadians need," said Consumer Affairs minister Darryl Sittler. "Canadians hate to shop, they hate cutting out coupons, and they hate selection. If they want to buy a snow shovel, they go to Canadian Tire and buy one. If a Canadian is offered too many choices, he's going to spend the entire afternoon comparing prices, features, quality, and so on. But while he's doing all that 'research' an extra thirty-five centimeters (fourteen inches) of snow have fallen on his driveway." Canadian Tire wasn't the first federally-run retail operation. For two hundred years the Hudson's Bay Company met the needs of early Canadian settlers unchallenged. It wasn't until 1931 when American retail giants came North forcing capitalism upon innocent Canadians. It wasn't long before large retail chains began to appear--Sears, Woolworth's, The Mighty Dollar Store. Canadians were soon drawn into consumer wars, and were forced to make reasonable purchasing decisions. Alien and confusing concepts such as customer service, price-matching, and terms like "we won't be undersold" gave Canadians too much freedom to choose, "Whether it's an electric paint scraper or a twin-speed reversible plumbing snake, or even a set of brass-plated diagnostic jumper cables, Canadian Tire has the right products that I need." "Canadian
Tire knows what's best for me," said Lupul, "just like The Real
Canadian Superstore knows what types of food are good for me. I'm just
grateful that someone is making those unnecessary everyday decisions for
me so that I can spend more time enjoying my personal freedoms, such as
grilling steaks on the new barbeque I bought, at Canadian Tire of course."
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