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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
NORTHERN CANADA --Canadian Gasworks, the leading supplier of commercial energies from the hinterland to the heartland, is having uneasy feelings about its latest endeavour. A new pipeline, intended to pump unnatural gas from artificial fields in western Nunavut to Sarnia and other cities in Canada's industrial centre, is making a lot of people queasy.
"Something doesn't smell right," said Riva Effluvium, Senior Development Engineer, referring to either the gas or the gas line. "And the whole thing is making me light-headed." Natural gas is one of Canada's most plentiful resources, and is a clean-burning energy solution. Canadian Gasworks felt it stumbled onto a potential gas goldmine when large deposits of lesser-known unnatural gas were discovered in an eerie desolate region of Northern Canada. The land, which was purchased cheaply from an Inuit shaman, was said to have once been an ancient pet burial ground for Arctic seals. Most of the gas is buried underneath that supposedly-sacred land. "That should have been our first warning," said Effluvium, who has been haunted by nightmares since the project began. "I knew there was something wrong with that gas. It just didn't seem...natural." The geologists who surveyed the pockets were surprised that there was any gas at all. Because of the geological makeup of the iniquitous northern fields, they said it was impossible for gas to have been formed naturally. But unfortunately, the geologists mysteriously disappeared the night before they were to give their final report. Despite the mounting evidence, and ignoring the possible consequences from desecrating sanctified territory, the company proceeded with initial drilling, a decision that cost the lives of several exploration team members. Their deaths remain unexplained; all that is known is that they were from, yes, "unnatural" causes. The project was completed, but at a great cost of life, including those of two virgin environmental scientists whose still-beating hearts were apparently rent from their chest cavities in gruesome ritual-like fashion. Foul-play was suspected, but not investigate, as the priority was to complete the gas project. "Yes, we did get the wells built, but we're not exactly sure where this gas is coming from," said Effluvium. "By normal standards of gas formation there shouldn't be any gas in these fields! There's something not quite right about it. But our boss, Mack Eavelli, is convinced that there are profits to be made here." Since then a variety of unnatural, strange and freakish accidents have plagued the gas line project. With protestors fuming on every side, some company executives are reconsidering their plans. "There's a wrongness about this gas," said one of the last remaining (living) board members, on the condition of anonymity. "It's providing the energy needs for millions of people and industries, but at what price? I think they drilled too deep and some ancient force has been disturbed. Or maybe we've offended traditional native spirits. I have this weird sensation--and it's not from sniffing the gas." "Of
course, on the other hand, gas is supposed to smell wrong," added
Effluvium. "It's a safety thing."
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