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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR FAST FOOD HUMOUR, PARODY, AND RELIGIOUS SATIRE
INSIDE-- For those who are still praying for the return of the McRib, you now have a sanctuary to place your order to a higher authority.
The Holy Ronald Church of the True Faith is expanding the number of its religious franchises to closely match the number of restaurants. With believers numbering close to 100 million in the United States alone, Church officials believe the time is right to make a more dominant presence. Previously worshipers were forced to celebrate the Most Blessed Sacrament inside restaurants, and during busy periods they would be forced into the play rooms or even outside on the patios. Within five years there should be a cathedral in every major city, with chapels and smaller churches dotting the landscape every two kilometres, population permitting. There are even plans to erect drive-through shrines along highways, where the Faithful can pick up or drop off extra ketchup, salt, and straws. Ronald McDonald has long been considered a saint by busy or harassed parents and children of all ages, but it has only been in the last ten years that he has been officially recognized. Originally, petitioners tried to get Ronald beatified by the Roman Catholic Church, but ran into a few snags: he never 'literally' existed and thus hasn't been dead for five years. The pope, who prefers fresh fruit and proscuito ham, was skeptical.
A cabal of Burger King Cardinals also protested, as did Wendy, who wanted to be a saint too--but couldn't because of those compromising 'art' photos. Not to be deterred, a number of the Faithful arose and created the College of Fries and Big Macs, which then elected a Most Holy Patriarch and set up the foundation of the Holy Ronald Church of the True Faith. Believers are encouraged to find the meaning of McDonalds in their own way, but to help those who are too busy to cook, several fast, nutritious, and inexpensive rituals are practiced. The Big Mac is often used as the "communion wafer" of our consumer society, and can be literally the 'body of Ronald' during communion. A large, or super-sized soft drink of the worshiper's choice is then drunk to wash it down. Unlike many branches of Christianity, which have an execution as a religious symbol, the Holy Ronald Church uses the sunny Golden Arches of Satisfaction to draw members into a profound and filling relationship with their God. And, unlike other religions, families won't have problems dragging the children to church. Holy oil is used for baptism. Many believers anoint their mouths and lips with the oil as they eat their fries. A recent controversy raged when the traditional beef tallow was replaced with vegetable oil, but with the exception of a small splinter group in South Carolina, most people have made the move to the more politically correct oil. Although there is no official Holy Text, several Suras have been unofficially collected of the Ron's sayings and actions. Organized according to meal type, they typically relay words of wisdom about food combination, what's good after a ball game, and the like. Others are critical of those who stray from the True Path. In Sura XXII (The Apostate Vegan) Ronald McDonald tells a health nut "You're going straight to hell if you keep eating fresh spinach. But try one of my iceberg lettuce salads in a poly-styrene container: now you have tasted heaven." The expansion
of the number of churches bodes well for a religion that has operated
almost secretly for many years. Ron the Baptist would be pleased.
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