 |
 | |||
|
|
| |||
|
|
 |
 |
|||||||||||||||
| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR BORDER HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
AT THE 49TH PARALLEL--Canada Customs and Revenue Agency (CCRA), along with the United States Customs and Immigration office, are working together to maintain a strong secure border between the two neighbouring countries. While security remains an issue, the two government agencies are trying to open up trade, and ease the delays of frustrated motorists who regularly find themselves stuck in the congestion of long border line-ups.
But is tightened security really to blame for the longer lineups? One theory about the excessive wait times for cross-border traffic involves the age-old "The Other Line Always Moves Faster Theorem," an as-yet unexplained phenomenon that has befuddled travelers for ages, going as far back as the middle ages when wagon-drawing serfs waited for hours to deliver vegetables to market while other carts seemed to pass them by. The theory suggests that lineups are a matter of relativity. Using quantum and super-string theory scientists at several universities believe they are close to a theoretical understanding of the processes involved. Increased border traffic has led the National Research Council to become involved. But despite the attempt to fast-track funding, several scientists believe other projects are getting grants ahead of them. "TOLAMF (The Other Line Always Moves Faster) has many applications beyond border traffic," said Dr. Tse Ling Phan, chief researcher at the University of Surrey. "These studies are also useful for determining lane patterns during rush hour, supermarkets, toll booths, and for port-a-johns at outdoor concerts." "Our studies to date have shown that the main variable is you. If you're in one lane, it'll be slower, while the lanes on either side move faster. If you switch lanes, that lane will invariably slow down. So far this is easy to understand--but it's damned frustrating," said Dr. Phan. "But, if there are two people in different lanes, the other lane will look slower to each, creating what is typically known as a lane paradox." "It's a matter of relativity," continued Dr. Phan. "You see, within your vehicle nothing is moving, relative to everything else outside, which is all in motion, except for the cars in front of and behind you, which are also at rest. During rush hour, the traffic moving in the opposite direction compounds the effect, because they are all moving relatively fast." "If
we could determine the cause/effect relationship, we could reduce cross-border
wait times significantly," said Dr. Phan. "I can't wait to start
our latest proposed study. Unfortunately, it seems that all the other
research groups are getting their funding before us. I've heard the same
story from a number of other researchers too. Again, it's very frustrating."
|
||||||||||||||||
 |
|
|||||||||||||||
| This fictional story about satire is intended for adults. | The World Leader in Canadian humour, humor, parody, and satire. | |
| Tell us what you thought. Visit our Message Boards. | HOME | DISCLAIMER | ABOUT US | Copyright 2005-2001 The Toque Entertainment. |
