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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR POLITICAL HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SMOKING SATIRE
VANCOUVER-- City smokers will be pleased by the decision of city council approving the creation of controversial "safe-inhalation" sites for nicotine addicts. Despite opposition from non-smoking residents, the new sites will be built for cigarette smokers using public funds.
The city is planning on funding three locations in downtown Vancouver, where smokers will be able to light-up in a clean, supervised, and safe environment. "We're offering sterilized ashtrays, free gum, and breath mints to these unfortunate citizens who cannot break the habit," said Walter Fumier, one of the driving forces behind the sites. "With additional resources, we hope to be able to offer Zyban and Nicorette as well." "It's an unfortunate but sad truth that most smokers light up in wet, unsafe conditions, increasing their chances of catching colds, getting soaked by passing buses or breathing second-hand smoke from their fellow smokers," continued Walter. The program is part of a four-pillars approach. "Everyday, thousands of smokers can be seen puffing away in public in underground parking lots, in alleys and doorways, along sidewalks, at bus-stops, and in public washrooms," said Walter. "They are subjected to all sorts of abuse from non-smokers, not to mention their own wretched consciences." Non-smokers don't believe that tax money should be spent to feed the habits of "filthy" smokers, but they realize that it will reduce the instances of second-hand smoke in bars and restaurants. Proponents of the program loudly cheered the program--as loudly as their reduced-capacity lungs could cheer. "These new 'safe-inhalation' sites will be non-judgmental. A guilt-ridden, nicotine-stained fingered addict can come in and light up their cigarette with a shaking hand and we will not sneer at them," said Betty Valentine, a volunteer aide at one of the sites. "Smokers are nicotine addicts who are being asphyxiated by the city's no-smoking by-laws. We are giving them a much-needed a place where they can safely inhale the addictive vapors from their pipes, cigars, and cigarettes." Local officials are hoping to curb the spread of lung cancer, improve upon the clean-air policy, and reduce the number of yellow stained-fingertips. "If
we can't help them stop smoking, at least we hope to be able to provide
them a healthy environment for them to breathe in their harmful, cancer-causing
carcinogenic tobacco products," said Walter.
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