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Sexual Health by Ignatious de la Pena y de Ybarra, Senior Inquisitor

Dear Ignatious: There's this really cute guy at my college who takes several classes with me. Sigh. I really want to get to know him better--you know what I mean--but whenever I try to talk to him my tongue ties itself in knots and I sound like an idiot. Then I get embarrassed and turn all red. What can I do?

—Frustrated

Dear Frustrated:

It is a common fallacy that witches are entirely women, and that God has chosen them as being most susceptible to the charms and ministrations of the Prince of Evil. While this may have been seemingly the obvious case in former times, the Devil, in recognizing the usefulness of the human soul, whether male or female, will make mischief with either sex to achieve his nefarious ends. If follows naturally that the young man of your attention has been subjected to the wiles of the Supreme Malefactor, and investigations should proceed.

A common question when starting an inquiry of Faith is whether persons under a sentence of excommunication, the associates and accomplices in the crime, notorious evildoers and criminals can be admitted as witnesses in such a case. But just as a heretic may give evidence against a heretic, so may a witch against a witch--but only in default of other proofs. Of course such evidence can only be admitted for the prosecution and not for the defense. This is also true of the prisoner's family. Evidence from such people has more weight in proving a charge than in disproving it.

Even evidence given by chronic liars, when it is presumed that they are speaking out of zeal for the Faith, is acceptable according to the Canon c. accusatus, as long as they have repented. If it manifestly appears that they do not speak in a spirit of levity, or from motives of enmity, or by reason of a bribe, but purely out of zeal for the orthodox Faith, wishing to correct what they have said, or to reveal something about which they had kept silence, in defense of the faith, their testimony shell be as valid as that of anyone else. In the same chapter of the Canon it is clear that the testimony of men or low repute and criminals is to be admitted. So great is the plague of heresy that, in an action involving this crime, any criminal evildoer may give evidence against any person.

Now, what if the young man in question wishes to avoid--as is natural--an inquiry into his conduct and motivations, and offers to take a trial by red-hot iron to prove his dedication to the True Faith?

Although such a trial would appear to bear witness to the zeal and orthodox nature of his mien, be aware that his is in fact circumnavigating the natural course of justice and avoiding evidence given by his fellows. We must abstain, not only from evil, but from all appearance of evil. Therefore the Canon says that the trial of red-hot poker and the like may not tempt God, but that they appear to tempt Him, so that it may be understood that, even if someone were to engage in such a trial with the best of intentions, it has the appearance of evil, and thus is to be avoided.

An incident illustrative of our argument occurred hardly three years ago in Alberta. Near Edmonton there was a notorious witch who had been the subject of much public complaint. At last, as the result of a general demand, she was seized by the Premier and accused of various evil works of witchcraft. When she was being tortured and questioned, she appealed to the trial by red-hot iron. The Premier, being young and inexperienced, allowed it. She then carried the red-hot iron not only for the stipulated three paces, but for six, and offered to carry it even farther. Then, although they ought to have taken this as manifest proof that she was a witch (since one of the Saints dared to tempt the help of God in this manner), she was released from her chains and lives to the present time, not without grave scandal to the Faith in those parts.

I will be at Unca Dunka's Muffins and Bagels on Ross Street in Red Deer, Alberta next week from 10am until 2pm, Monday through Thursday. I invite everyone to drop by with questions about witchcraft, or just to say hi. I'll treat the first 6 people who can successfully name and show the error of three tenets of the Albigensian heresy successfully to a herbal tea and bagel sandwich of their choice.