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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR COLA SMUGGLING HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
PEACE ARCH BORDER CROSSING-- The Canadian/American border has long been heralded as the longest undefended border in the world. But since September 11th security has tightened between the two nations who share the 49th Parallel. Intended to reduce the risk of Canadian terrorists looking for better opportunities south of the border, the clamp-down has had the added benefit of reducing the levels of organized smuggling, such as that which goes on in the effervescent, yet illegal cola trade.
Enterprising smugglers have always been able to move cocaine, cigarettes, and cheap cheddar cheese into Canada, but little-known to most citizens was the lucrative almost-black market of non-standard colas. The Pepsi-Free Trade Agreement is mostly responsible for the economics of the modern Canadian cola industry. Heavily tariffed to encourage local production, Mr. Pibb, Cherry Coke, and Jolt Cola, popular American soda varieties, have been all but impossible to afford, and have only been available in Canada through underground cola dealers. Because of these outrageous duties, black market dealers have been buying-up all available supplies from American bordertowns, and then reselling the stock in Canada at exorbitant prices. A can of Mr. Pibb can reach a street value of $36. But Canadians seem willing to pay the money for these illicit beverages, despite the legalities and the cost. "You just can't beat the peculiar Mr. Pibb aftertaste," said one cola drinker. "It's a taste sensation that stays on your breath for days, coating your tongue like a sugary-sweet epoxy. Because of the price though, it's not something you can afford to buy everyday. I usually save up and get a 6-pack for Christmas dinner or for that special anniversary." Those cola prices might get even higher now, because it's getting harder for smugglers to get their caffeinated caramel products into Canada. In the biggest flavoured-cola bust since the RC Cola ring in Alberta was broken back in 1986, RCMP seized the contents of three rigs loaded with bootlegged colas, disguised as a shipment of varsol and engine additives. Hidden inside each 4-litre container was a six-pack of Mr. Pibb. The street value was estimated at close to $1 Million (CDN), which equated to about $9,000 (USD). Tightened border security means smugglers will need to resort to more creative means to get their product to market, such as filling petroleum tankers with fountain soda or sneaking the beverages inside of unremarkable items such as bottles of navy rum. It's unlikely though that smugglers would use runners to get their colas across the border, as the aluminum cans are impossible to slip through metal detectors, and the cans are too uncomfortable to place inside human cavities. The Canadian Cola and Root Beer Act, the original federal legislation behind the soda sanctions, was originally intended to protect Canadian cola producers such as, Pop Shoppe, Canuck Cola, and Uncle Ben's Soda and Sarsaparilla Company from cheaper products flooding into Canada. Unfortunately, local producers found it difficult to compete in a traditionally beer-drinking society, and to date there are only a few surviving Canadian cola micro-breweries, selling no-name cola products with limited fizz or appeal. Canadian
industrial pride and the taxman aren't the only thing that's hurt by the
smuggling of cola. Empties from American cans are causing ecological problems,
as the American soda cans are made from genetically modified aluminum.
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