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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR GAMING HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
IN FRONT OF THE MONITOR-- No one is looking forward to the release of Doom III more than Greg Tanner. Greg, a 27-year-old computer gamer, intends to quit his job, sell his car, and break-up with his girlfriend when id Software's new first-person action game is released.
Greg's reasoning is sound. He doesn't want to be burdened with real-life issues, which would only distract him from his computer-gaming goals. "I worked hard to earn enough money to pay for the computer hardware I'll need to play [Doom III] effectively," said Greg. "I've already started severing contact with casual friends, I've disconnected my phone, and I've purchased enough sustenance (frozen burritos, cheez puffs, and no-name cola) to last me six months. If the game is more popular than anticipated, or an add-on pack is released, I've scheduled some downtime to make a Costco run if necessary." Greg is carefully watching for the date that Doom III "goes gold" so that he can give appropriate notice to his employer. He's also pre-written a break-up note for his girlfriend Kiki (with appropriate apologies), and boxed up her items for their inevitable return. "I've pre-purchased Xmas presents and prepared semi-sincere speeches for my soon-to-be former friends, at least for the ones not intending to play Doom III," added Greg. "Most of them understand that it's something I need to do." Greg thought about ways in which he could balance computer-gaming with socializing, but he wasn't willing to sacrifice one for the other. "There aren't enough hours in a day to live a real life, and still be a true gamer," said Greg. "Until the day they find a cure for sleep, that is." Greg has been through it before. When Quake was released, he lost his part-time job at Wal-mart because he was constantly late for work. When Quake 2 came out, Greg's girlfriend Leanne broke-off their six-month relationship because she thought (correctly) that Greg believed that playing games was more important than their relationship. And when Diablo came out, Greg flunked all of his college courses because he didn't have enough time to study. Those moments in Greg's life were awkward, but this time Greg intends to be better prepared. "I
won't have any of those uncomfortable social issues to worry about this
time," said Greg. "I'm severing those loose ends so that nothing
interferes with my commitment to gaming."
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| This fictional story about satire is intended for adults. | The World Leader in Canadian humour, humor, parody, and satire. | |
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