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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR CONSERVATION HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
GENEVA -- Our planet's water is being consumed at an alarming rate. Lakes are drying up, rivers are diminishing, and reservoirs are continuing to drain. With close to eight billion people living on this earth, and at least half of them drinking water, many believe our precious life-giving resource could evaporate by the end of this century.
Aquatologists declare that: "If we keep using water at this rate, there will be nothing left for future generations to drink." "Global warming may give us a few extra years," said Bruce Lapêche, hydro-conservationist. "As the ice caps melt, oceans will rise--but it's only a temporary solution. And plus, that water has been frozen for thousands of years. It's not going to taste very good." Irrigation, fire prevention, and recreation (swimming pools, fountains, and koi ponds) are all contributing to the depletion of precious water reserves. "If water were a renewable resource, like timber, corn, or licorice, there wouldn't be such a panic," said Lapêche, "Then at least we could come up with plans for re-hydrating the planet--like a massive underground system of water sprinklers. Unfortunately, we have to face the fact that our future is drying-up before our eyes." Despite world-wide recognition that there is a problem, many nations ignore environmentalist warnings. Every day billions of litres of water are poured or flushed down drains and sewers. Water that can never be reclaimed. The recent excitement over fuel-cell technology infuriates conservationists and environmentalists like Lapêche. "We're facing the most critical resource depletion in the history of humanity, and now they're building cars that run on water? Have they gone mad? Do they think we can create water out of thin air?" Scientists in Germany are hopeful that plans for synthetic water will bear fruit, but whether artificial water will be as good as natural water remains to be seen--and tasted. And besides, the Germans are always thirsty. Rationing has been suggested, but water restrictions are not going to be enough. More radical elements in the environmental community are calling for lawns to be torn out and replaced with Astroturf, fire sprinklers to replaced with dry chemicals, baking soda, or fire-retarding kerosene, and for waterpark waterslides to be coated with teflon. "People
should think of other liquid alternatives to conserve water," said
Betty Frump, concerned citizen. "If more people drank milk, beer,
or Sunny Delight™, we could possibly stretch out our water reserves
by a few years."
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