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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
THE FROZEN NORTH -- At one time in your life, you may have inadvertently stuck your tongue to a popsicle. The moment your taste buds bonded to the surface that frozen treat, you probably began to panic. But then you realized that it was only a popsicle, and you knew that the heat from your mouth would soon cause it to melt, releasing your tongue from the icy grip of that deadly dessert delight.
You may laugh at the folly, but every day in Canada, someone's tongue gets stuck to a frozen surface, but rarely is it in the form of a dairy treat. More often, it's a flagpole, a railing, or a door handle, unforgiving, unmoving metal mounts that want to inflict pain on your fleshy mouth muscle. No one knows why, but the urge to stick one's tongue to a chrome pipe is as vexing as the need to touch a red-hot plate, the impulse to dip your toe into an icy pond, or the impetus to sip from a boiling cup of coffee. How does it happen? The chemicals in your saliva react when they come in contact with frozen metals. Like a mouth-watering epoxy, your spit acts like a catalyst and melds your tongue to metal like cold solder. The bond can only be broken with the assistance of a warm cup of water, something more Canadians should consider carrying around with them--for their own safety. "We don't know what drives them to stick their tongues on frozen surfaces," said Rene Backstrom, researcher at the Le Bouche Institute du Canada. "We know they're acting on instinct, but the moment before a Canadian's tongue touches that frozen metal handrail, his brain goes numb, and then subsequently his tongue. Taste buds damaged by these foolish tongue-sticking activities will grow back, but the psychological damage remains. "Something must be done to stop our young Canadians from senselessly damaging their tongues on sign poles, aluminum siding, and outdoor plumbing," pleaded Rene Backstrom. "We need to lick this thing." Paramedics
carry de-icing products in their first-aid kits purely for the treatment
of tongue-tied Canadians. The spray chemical was intended to thaw frozen
car locks, but the alternative tongue-saving potential was soon realized.
Some theorize that French-Canadians speak with an unusual accent because
of issues related to tongue-sticking.
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| This fictional story about satire is intended for adults. | The World Leader in Canadian humour, humor, parody, and satire. | |
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