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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR HEALTHY HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
OUR GREEN PLANET -- The world is burning up its fuels at an astonishing rate. Electricity, fossil fuels, and atomic energy are spent without regard to cost or consequence. But would you surprised to know that your body is itself an inefficient machine, wasting energy every moment of every waking day, and even some non-waking days?
"Conservation is the key," said Dr. Solomon Krespin, dietician and anthro-ecologist. "Calorie management is important if you want to live longer. For example, a healthy human, just sitting in a comfortable chair, will burn off an incredible two calories per minute! So instead of participating in thriftless athletic activities such as soccer, jogging, or inline skating, try playing a video game, or lounging around on your porch with a beer. You'll feel better knowing that you saved those valuable energy units for when you really needed them." The human body does its best to store surplus calories in the form of "fat," a type of caloric savings account. Fat is that extra fuel tank that is there to protect us in times of emergency, a safety measure that insulates us against the cold, and provides us with important long-term energy reserves. "The calorie-conserving individual will be better prepared when his aeroplane crashes on the side of a mountain," said Dr. Krespin. "After five days in desolate wilderness, the one with the stored body fat will be grateful he had that extra Twinkie or bowl of Cocoa Puffs before he went out that day. Meanwhile, the fitness fanatic will have already withered away, having burned-off the lean muscle he needed to keep him alive." Experts, those with a high degree of knowledge in a given profession, are recommending that people live more sedentary lifestyles, limiting physical activity to ensure that calories are not burned away needlessly. Relax on your couch as often as you can, and find pleasurable inert diversions while you strive to prevent calorie-loss. Watching hours of television will help stretch out those valuable units. Whenever possible, use elevators and escalators instead of stairs, or have someone else perform those energy-wasting "chores" and "errands" for you. "We must stop the senseless burning of calories!" pleaded housewife Dorothy Stouffer, without over-exerting. "Diet and exercise are threatening our very existence. People, please, slow it down. Walk, don't run! Or even better, drive whenever you can! Your life could depend on it." Fortunately, the body can send out warning messages when you're using up too many calories. "If you can 'feel the burn' of exercised muscles, you're working your body too hard," said Dr. Krespin. "A relaxed low-energy lifestyle of constant snacking on fatty fried foods is the key to optimizing your calorie conservation plan." "The
body is a machine, like an automobile," explained Dr. Krespin. "But
not even the most foolish human would run his Suzuki Samurai twenty-four
hours a day."
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| This fictional story about satire is intended for adults. | The World Leader in Canadian humour, humor, parody, and satire. | |
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