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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR HOCKEY HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
OTTAWA-- The Ministry of Sports, on the advice of the Honourable Wayne Gretzky, has put forward a recommendation to parliament to improve the current legislation in the National Sports Act. The proposed amendment, expected to receive a speedy ascent, will require that "all able-bodied people between the ages of nine and nineteen" participate for at least two years in the national sport of ice hockey.
The Act currently requires only one year of service, and is limited to young men. The majority of Canadians are supportive of the law, which was first introduced in 1972 after Team Canada's dramatic victory over the Russians. At the time, there weren't enough rinks to handle the overwhelming influx of players, but the government was able to generate more revenue for the hockey program by increasing the tax on miniature replica Stanley Cups sold to European tourists. Upon completion of service, Canadian hockey players (with sufficient skills) are invited to continue to play hockey as a career. Those who have become a liability are encouraged to take up curling. "We've worked hard to adjust some of our more dated legislation to reflect changes in Canada over the past 30 years," said Maurice Bellevue, minister responsible and table-hockey legend. "Canadians now expect their national teams to win, not just to place third or fourth, and there is a belief that every Canadian should be able to jump over the boards and trade punches with the best Russia or the United States can offer." The amendment will expand the draft to include young women and even special needs children. Sled hockey and ringette will become acceptable alternatives for federal hockey duty. Presently, Sweden is the only other country that demands hockey service of their citizens, although Russia once had a strong program developed within in their army. The island nation of Trinidad has a similar law that encompasses the sport of high-jumping, and Cuba had one for kayaking, but none of the athletes ever returned. "To me it's as Canadian as Medicare," said Nelson Fitzgerald, the coach of the "Threshers," a nationally-sponsored team of disadvantaged farm youths in Saskatoon. "They can cut the Crow rate, they can tax cheese up to my eyeballs, but don't take away these essential programs that keep us from degenerating into some kind of free-market economy, where only the rich (who can afford all the equipment needed) can play." Most Canadian youths enter into the program willingly, but there is a draft held every June. Everyone loves hockey, so there is very little pressure put on Canadian citizens. And since there is no money spent on the Canadian military, more funding is available for hockey programs, allowing Canada to produce more world-class athletes. "There is no greater honour than to serve," said The Great One, himself a product of the hockey conscription program. "We are the soldiers of our sport, and the ice is our battlefield." It is said that Gretzky may have ended up in lacrosse if hockey service had not been mandatory. Although
there is very little resistance to the law a small minority try to circumvent
it by enrolling children in roller hockey, a perversion of the national
sport. "That's a frickin' atrocity," blurted Don Cherry, a pioneer
in Canada's militant hockey service. "Why not allow our children
to wear diapers until they're 16? If we coddle the kids now, the future
of our great nation will be in the hands of nanny-clutching bedwetters."
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