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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR COFFEE HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
IN THE OFFICE-- Steve Maxwell loves his coffee. The delicious black brew has been a staple in his life since he was a junior in college. Unfortunately, the coffee doesn't return Steve's affection, and his doctor has warned that he must cut back on its consumption or face the dark-roasted consequences.
"My doctor said I was drinking too many cups of coffee," argued Steve. "I understood the health risks, but I didn't want to divorce myself from my bitter black mistress." Steve was told to reduce his caffeine intake to one cup per day. Steve was already drinking 8-10 cups of java every day, starting with two cups in the morning before he left for work, and his consumption was definitely affecting his health. "I was a wreck," admitted Steve. "Coffee had control of me like caffeinated crack cocaine." Steve's solution to his java-based concerns was to pray to Juan Baldez for enlightenment. When that didn't work he invested in a gigantic ceramic coffee cup, a mug of such grand proportions that would make Juan proud. "I don't know why I didn't think of it sooner," said Steve, who is now so perky he barely ever stays still. "Aside from the increased need to urinate, reducing my intake to one cup per day has improved my quality of life." There were also some intangible benefits to Steve's drastic lifestyle change, aside from the unexplainable increase in his energy levels: He's getting a real workout from his new bigger brew. He needs both hands to lift his mug, and he has had to remove the laserjet printer from his desk to make enough room to set it down. He made an extra-large drink coaster by cutting up an old cork bulletin board he found in the stockroom, and he uses a caterer's hotplate to keep the mug--and its contents--warm. There's even enough room on the brim of the cup to dunk a dozen donuts simultaneously! Sure, carrying a 20 lb piece of glazed pottery has its disadvantages. "Yes, it's a little tricky cleaning the mug," said Steve, "but I've started washing it out in the janitor's basin downstairs. And there isn't enough room in my car to take my coffee along with me--the seat belt isn't big enough. But hey, at least nobody's ever going to 'accidentally' grab my mug out of the lunchroom, like that bitch Sharon from accounts payable used to do." With the larger mug, Steve uses almost a litre of cream and nearly two cups of sugar in each cup of coffee, but the company has a service that provides all the condiments. "One day, the lunchroom had only stocked those little creamers and individual packets of sugar, and it took me twenty-five minutes to sweeten up my drink," said Steve. Overall,
Steve's drinking discretion has been working for him. And because of the
success of his coffee-curbing choices, he has decided to cut back his
beer consumption: Steve now only has one can of beer in the evening--a
Molson "Bubba" which holds the equivalent of 15 cans of his
other favourite brew.
Archived Stories - Human Interest
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