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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR GARDENING HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
THE GARDEN--Ronny Carroll is a good friend, a man who is always willing to lend a hand, move a couch, or offer a ride. Ronny is the type who of guy who would share the lottery with you, or sell the shirt off of his back to lend you the money to buy a ticket. But for all that, Ronny is the last person you want watering your plants when you're on vacation. You see, Ronny has a brown thumb.
Despite carefully-written watering instructions, Ronny has found ways to kill houseplants, cause garden vegetables to shrivel and die, and has learned how to turn luscious lawns into withered wastelands. It's not really his fault--it seems that Ronny is more cursed than anything else. And because of that earthy impediment, Ronny has "grown" a reputation as a notorious plant killer, more commonly referred to as a "brown thumb." The reputation is not completely undeserved. Over the years, Ronny has murdered his roommate's cactus (the guy was a prick anyway), mutilated his sister's (oops, there goes another) rubber-tree plant, poisoned several ivys belonging to his boss's wife, and strangled a ninety-year-old redwood tree growing in his neighbour's back yard. Inexplicably, Ronny also managed to kill three silk orchids (yes, the fake ones) while housesitting for his parents who were on vacation in Aruba. Ronny is pragmatic about being called a brown thumb. How was he to know that you shouldn't cover a tomato garden with a black plastic tarpaulin to protect it against the hot summer sun? Or that you shouldn't wrap copper wire around the base of a yucca tree to save it from claw-sharpening cats? And where is it written that gasoline shouldn't be used to burn out the dead mulch in the bottom of a potted plant? It seems a little unfair to brand him with the label "brown thumb" just because of twelve or thirteen fatal flora-related incidents. But until science, medicine, or the paranormal finds an answer, family, friends, and neighbours are not going to let those like Ronny near their gardens, greenhouses, or grow-ops. "I'm
more than a little concerned about leaving Ronny here with my kids next
month," said Ronny's sister Katherine, who is traveling to Boston
on business. "I realize my rhododendrons will probably die, but somehow I know he won't let anything in my fridge
go bad."
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| This fictional story about brown thumb is intended for adults. | The World Leader in Canadian humour, humor, parody, and satire. | |
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