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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR COMPUTER HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
ON TOP OF YOUR WORKSTATION-- Finally, someone has come up with a desktop printer powerful enough to handle the real tough jobs! The new HP/Cummins 4000 Diesel-Jet printer, the newest player in the office printing game, is capable of handling the biggest print projects you can throw at it.
This new print technology is a combined effort of Hewlett-Packard, the leader in business solutions, and Cummins Inc., a global leader in engine technologies. On the surface, the diesel-jet printer resembles any other common laser-jet printer powerful enough to pull a Ford truck--which is none. But inside, the 450 horsepower engine provides diesel reliability and efficiency to churn out page after page, even in sub-zero weather. The 750-cubic-inch engine provides 710 ft-lbs. of torque at its top working speed of 2,200 rpm, unleashing enough power to blow the competition away in a puff of exhaust. This translates to 1,235 pages/minute at full capacity, with duplex capabilities, an optional 60,000 page paper feeder and enhanced toner reservoir that doubles as an oil pan. With all this power, other printers are left choking on its smoke. "This is a real man's printer," said Bob Buehler, office manager for Centrifix, a novelty oversized paperclip manufacturer. "Before the diesel-jet, our printers slogged away, printing monthly reports like overburdened mules on their way to the glue factory. But now with the diesel-jet, we've got power to spare, and those reports are on the CEO's desk on time, every time!" "It's economical on fuel too," continued Bob. "Equivalent to a small economy car. We looked at the propane models, but not every office supplier carries propane. You can get diesel just about everywhere--even Staples I think." "This is a printer everybody wants to have on their desk," said Morton Lacassar, lead engineer for Cummins. "This baby has more juice than a Toyota. Oh what a feeling indeed!" How does the diesel-jet printer work? The diesel engine propels legal or letter-sized sheets of paper through the drum, taking advantage of high print compression ratios. Regular printers range from 8:1 to 12:1, while the HP/Evinrude 4000 boasts of a 24:1 compression ratio. Special print turbines speed up the entire print process even more for better efficiencies. "Yes, the printer engine is a little loud," admitted Ted Wailes, purchasing officer for Ladybug Environmental, a non-profit society for the ethical treatment of annoying insects. "And it does have to be bolted to a non-moving surface to keep it from vibrating itself onto the floor. But, that's a small price to pay for productivity. We're planning to relocate the printer to our engineering department anyhow--they're used to the noise." The
printer comes with a two-year warranty and maintenance contract, which
includes a complete oil and lube after every 400,000 pages.
Archived Stories - Business - Computers
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| This fictional story about satire is intended for adults. | The World Leader in Canadian humour, humor, parody, and satire. | |
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