CANADA'S SOURCE FOR INTERNET HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE

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ON THE COUCH --David Newhort is an Internet addict who is absolutely obsessed with entertainment culture, anything to do with film, television, or animation. David downloads anything and everything from the Internet, he records hour-after-hour of network television on his digital video recorder, and he buys DVDs like they're going out of style. David has enough visual entertainment to keep him on his couch for years. But for that to happen, David will first need to pull himself out of his computer chair.

Who knew that cartoon women could look this good?

You might say that David is prepared for the inevitable collapse of the entertainment industry.

David has over 800 DVDs, another 560 VHS cassette tapes (6 hours long each), and 5,000 CD-Rs encoded with popular movies. He also has over 350 gigabytes of "anime" (Japanese Animation) on his hard-drives. When film and television become a thing of the past, outlawed as subversive propaganda or crushed beneath the weight of greedy capitalists, David will be the one laughing at society.

"I'm pretty confident that I'll be able to plant myself down on my couch for at least three straight years (forgiving personal needs)," said David. "The rest of the world will be weeping at the loss of television, while I'll be nestled away with every episode of Superman, Batman, Spiderman, and the Justice League easily available for my personal enjoyment."

"I've got all nine seasons of Seinfeld ripped onto rewritable DVDs," added David. "I've purchased all seven seasons of STTNG [Star Trek: The Next Generation], STDS9 [Star Trek: Deep Space Nine], and I've got all of the episodes of [Star Trek] Voyager on tape. I've got 13 years worth of The Simpsons copied on Real Media (lower quality), plus every episode of Babylon 5, Farscape, Futurama, South Park, and Lexx burned onto CD media."

David, 31, lives at home, and his mom takes care of most of the cooking, cleaning, and the shopping. He doesn't work, but makes a modest living from a pay-subscription David Hasslehoff fansite, several online focus groups, and a disability settlement resulting from the time he accidentally ran in front of an icecream truck.

Some say David is "cocooning," buffering himself against the need to ever leave his nest...err, basement suite. David will tell you he's a servant to pop culture, protecting against the day that aliens destroy civilization's ability to broadcast entertainment media, or when the television "fad" goes away and everyone in the world focuses on wholesome family values.

But David isn't lazy. He is an active individual--he's always actively backing up his favourite spy movies, space operas, and sitcoms onto digital media. In fact, he's spent so much time buying, burning, downloading, trading, capturing, and copying all of this visual media that he hasn't had any time to watch any of it.

"When television becomes illegal and every episode of Webster, Family ties, and Matlock has been destroyed by an oppressive totalitarian government, making classic American television sitcoms more valuable than gold, diamonds, or Mountain Dew," asked David, "who will they come crying to? Me!"

Most of David's collection of DVDs is still wrapped in plastic, with the price tags still on them. His library of digitally encoded movies (over 2,000 at last count) has never been touched, and the dust-covered albums clutter his shelves. And that doesn't even consider his 240 gigabytes of MP3s, a 95,000 music archive that he could listen to from now until the Vancouver 2010 olympics without having to hear the same one twice.

If TV ever goes the way of the dodo or The Lone Gunmen ,or if David ever decides to stop collecting, and start watching, he's going to have plenty of time to work-in that ass-groove on his good-as-new couch.

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