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Farmers Are Being Frank About The Issue

THE GREAT CANADIAN PLAINS --This may have been the warmest summer on record, but the Alberta meat growers aren't happy about all the extra warmth and sunshine. Canadian weiner farms are facing their worst season ever, and the summer-long drought threatens this year's entire harvest.

Oscar Myers amidst last year's crop of plump, sun-ripened weiners.

One only needs to look across the vast Canadian Weiner Plains to recognize the damage that has been caused by the hot dry summer. Weiners hang limply from yellowing weiner stalks like dried chilis, or foot-long hotdogs left overnight beneath a convenience store warming lamp.

Acre upon acre of farmer's sausage roasts and shrivels within its own meaty husks, the smell of overcooked meat permeating the air like smoke from the world's largest tailgate party.

The imported German bratwurst is by far the wurst for wear. The garlic coils recoil from lack of moisture. And the smokies smoulder in the ground like badly baked potatoes.

"Frankly, we're more than a little concerned," said Oscar Myers, twenty-year weiner farmer. "If we don't see precipitation soon, we'll have to grind this meat back into the soil and start over next year. I don't relish that idea."

While it is feared that 90% of the crop may be lost to the elements this year, although that is just a ballpark figure, some of the under-ripe weiners may still be used as cocktail weenies, a small consolation for the world's largest growers of weiners and other naturally-grown meat products. Whatever is left from the crop is pressed and strained, and the grease is sold to fast-food restaurants.

Next year, the remaining farmers, those who are able to cut the mustard, are considering planting soy-based seeds to grow tofu weiners, which will help to meet the growing vegetarian market, and are more resilient to the hot prairie climate. Tofu weiners are also less likely to be ravaged by predatory corn dogs, meat-eating varmints who feast off of the unprotected weiner crops.

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