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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
ON THE ROAD AHEAD -- For twenty years, cruise control, the computerized driving system that controls the automated operation of motor vehicles, has made mundane driving more tolerable. Advances in hands-free technology has improved long-distance traveling, making that trip to the mall, the market, or Montana a little safer for everyone. But the advanced navigational systems aren't perfect yet, and systems designers still recommend that drivers keep their eyes on the road whenever they're behind the wheel of their automobile.
Like the auto-pilot in a jet airplane, cruise control reduces the tedium of automotive driving by allowing sophisticated computerized systems to operate a vehicle in everyday road conditions. Ultra-modern steering systems combined with complicated road sensors make for a more relaxing and enjoyable driving experience. While cruise control is superior in highway conditions, where drivers travel long stretches of clear open road, guidance systems aren't intelligent enough to safely negotiate busy city streets. Interference from other wireless devices, slow reaction-times to traffic, and careless skygrazing pedestrians are factors that can make the cruise control option on most vehicles a little too dangerous for city use. When the vehicle option was first introduced, drivers were able to comfortably travel from one location to another at conservative steady speeds--useful for those boring hours when crossing the endless Canadian prairies, the American midwest, or those long summer trips with your aunt that smells like cheese. After that came driver-assisted steering, a feature which enabled the drivers of hip muscle cars to slowly drive down main streets with their knees while still being able to adjust the bass on their stereos. But cruise control hasn't developed to the point where it can completely automate the driving process. In some North American cities, cruise control has been banned indefinitely, because drivers rely too heavily on its function. Morning commuters will use the enhanced driving freedom to eat their breakfast, drink their coffee, or apply their make-up while allowing the vehicle to negotiate the roads during rush hour. There have even been instances of vehicle operators napping while their Suzuki Samurais sailed through crowded pedestrian thoroughfares, scenarios that major automobile manufacturers are quick to point out may not be completely safe for either the pedestrians or the smaller Suzukis. The motor vehicle associations are also concerned about the driver's awareness of the vehicle's cruising capabilities. It's possible that an elderly driver, unaware of the system's limitations, may put his motor home in cruise control while he goes into the back to fix himself a sandwich or play a hand of whist. If the RV is not in an area that recognizes the cruise control system it could end up in a ditch, a canyon, or worse, a Denny's restaurant that doesn't offer discounts to seniors. "These systems aren't perfect," said automobile systems analyst Phil Dixby. "Yes it's true that cruise control takes away a lot of the driver's responsibility, but Joe Car-Owner should still have his hands on the steering wheel at 10 o'clock and 2 o'clock, in fact at all times of the day--just in case there's a system malfunction." Dixby warns that other drivers should have an awareness of their surroundings, including other vehicles on the road. "Although the idea of seeing Wilford Brimley behind the wheel of a Winnebago barrelling down the highway at 70 MPH scares the shit out of me, not seeing him behind the wheel scares me even more," said Dixby. Someday,
transportation infrastructures may reach the utopian state it did in the
futuristic movie The Minority Report (ed: also referred to
as "Tom Cruise Control"), or reach a level of
comic sophistication like the "Johnny Cabs" in Arnold Schwarzenegger's
Total Recall, but until that day it's probably safer to keep
your eyes on the road, your hands on the wheel, and your ass in driver's
seat.
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