A Nation Of Whiners

By Grouchy Joe, Proud American

What the hell is going on with people these days? We're becoming a nation of whiners and the idjits in government aren't doing a damn thing to stop it! Do you know why we're becoming a nation of whiners? It's because we've already become a nation of sissies!

So now it's up to me to complain about the complainers! And you know how much I hate it when I have to complain!

I'll give you an example. Now, every time I go to McDonald's I have to drink cold coffee because some ninny couldn't hang on to her cup and she went and burned her lap with hot coffee. You know what? During W.W. II, when I was in Europe fighting for that birdbrain's right to step foot into a McDonald's, we used to pour hot coffee in our laps--for fun! Hell, we never complained! It was always a knee-slapper to wake up the newest member of the platoon by pouring a pot of hot coffee on his crotch and then watching that rookie dance around like he had ants in his pants. I still get a chuckle every time I think of it.

You want to know why else we've become a nation of thumb-sucking, skirt-wearing, mommy-coddlers? It's because of our playgrounds. When I was a kid, we had monkeybars and rope-swings to leap around on and push each other off of in games of "King of the Castle" and "Kill the Kid with the Funny Haircut" and we loved every minute of it! Our see-saws were heavy enough to crush a coconut under them, and our playgrounds had giant wooden forts that towered up into the heavens; some were so high you'd get a nosebleed from its dizzying height!

Now, have you seen a playground lately?

They're mostly just flat, empty fields, boring as can be, so none of our precious, sissy children will get hurt. Some are filled with plastic, girly slides that go about four feet off the ground, and have puny little swings that won't swing above your head. Well, how the hell are kids today going to learn to toughen-up if they can't get the occasional bruise, scratch, or broken limb?!? Did anyone take a second to think of that? These sissy kids are going to grow up to be in control of this country and the next thing you know, we'll be the new France, surrendering before anyone can even declare war!

Well, I don't think that we should put up with that. I think that we should bring back the giant slides, the tire towers, and the cable-cars. Give back these character-building playground toys so that our kids can make this nation great once again! I want to see kids jumping off of monkey bars, leaping out of trees, and having good ol' fashioned rock fights! So what if a kid loses an eye--eye patches look tough! You'll never see a French kid wearing an eye patch, I'll guarantee you that!

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