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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR GAMING HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
SOMEWHERE FUNNY --Danny Everett isn't your average gamer. He's your above-average gamer. He'll tell you it's because of qualities such as dedication, perserverance, and devotion to "the game," but really it's an almost fanatical tenacity to sacrifice the smaller things in life to make himself a better player that distinguishes him from the rest.
Danny is a skilled online multiplayer. When he's not working at his part-time job, he's in front of his computer playing level after level of the first-person "shooter" Half-Life, a three-dimensional action game that demands your attention like a vibrating bed demands quarters. Danny's zeal to be the best Headcrab-killing machine is what separates him from his lazy, unmotivated friends. "While they're out spending all their free time with their girlfriends or their families," said Danny, "I'm glued to my force-feedback gaming chair, fine-tuning my aim. In this game, the enemy doesn't give you a second chance...until you re-spawn." Danny's fervent behaviour is a testament to his devotion to gaming--something his friends lack. "While they're busy with their so-called nine-to-five jobs, I'm sitting on servers honing my skills, improving my reflexes, and sharpening my abilities," said Danny. "I know all of these maps inside and out. You know why? Because I've devoted myself to becoming an expert at this game. This is why they will never succeed in the online world. They lack the ability to commit to a game that has revolutionized multiplayer online gaming." Danny knows why his friends lack the dedication to be true-class gamers--they're too easily distracted with the temptations of Real Life™ to be serious gaming enthusiasts. "It's sad that most of my friends would rather waste their afternoon attending some lame barbecque, blow an evening at a pool party, or pay $12 to see some crappy award-winning movie. Those precious hours could be spent hooked-up to a 32-player free-for-all server. Twitch-reflexing isn't a skill you're born with--you need to practice, and that means eight to ten hours a day--minimum." Danny feels sorry for his friends who squander their lives on sports, hobbies, and other time-wasting recreations. "They don't realize what they're missing," said Danny. "They can't possibly know what it's like to have their shooting finger on the pulse of the Logitech mouse of life. Time is too precious to be frittered-away at the mall, the beach, or the ballpark." Most of his buddies have Pentium-class machines, but Danny says that those computers are not being utilized to their potential. He's ashamed to admit that while most of them have the latest games, they mostly use their machines for Internet surfing or for retrieving email. "Oh yah, they might play for an hour or two on the weekend. But that's not enough for them to call themselves gamers!" shouted Danny. "Half-Life is a game that demands a commitment from its players. It's an unforgiving mistress. I'm offended that they'd masquerade as gamers, when really they're just poseurs. Hey, why not load another game of Minesweeper, because that's really the level of gaming that they're at." Danny used words like "leet" and "ass" to describe his own gaming prowess. He has become adept, because he had what it takes, an intransigence that allowed him to better himself through countless hours of repetitive keyboard conditioning. "Gaming is like riding a bicycle, a very fast-paced bicycle with hardware acceleration, and 128-bit graphics," said Danny. "If you fall off this bike, you're going to skin your knee, and it's going to hurt." Ultimately, Danny is worried that he's going to lose his friends, because they are spending too much time on those other unproductive pursuits. They don't realize what's really important. "My
non-gaming friends need to get themselves a life," said Danny. "Because
playing Half-Life is better than having no life at all."
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| This fictional story about Half Life is intended for adults. | The World Leader in Canadian humour, humor, parody, and satire. | |
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