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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR METRIC SYSTEM HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
NORTH OF THE 49TH--It's been thirty years since Canada discarded the Imperial System in favour of the Metric System. But it was as much out of necessity as it was to conform with the rest of the world--more so because Canada's confusing gravity wreaked havoc with all systems of weight and measure. Because, as everyone knows, the force of gravity slowly decreases as you approach the North Pole.
In the beginning, Canadians used barter to exchange goods. (ie. a sack of flour for a moose-skin, a case of whiskey for a beaver pelt, or three cases of Molsons for Maple Leafs tickets). For several hundred years this barter system worked for the Voyageurs, the Algonquins, and the Stanmikitas, the earliest known Canadian traders. That was, until American pioneers introduced gold and silver as currency, and a confusing and complicated "monetary" system into the blossoming North American economy. Canadians trading south of the border soon realized that the not-so-precious metals they received in exchange for their pelts, skins, and hides weighed somewhat less when they returned home to native Canada. Gravity was working against them! Canadians quickly recognized the error of their ways, and took a mere fifty years to "convert" to the Metric System, because despite changes in gravity, an object's "mass" would always remain the same. HOW DOES IT WORK? Due to the tilt of the earth's axis, and the rate of spin, Canada enjoys a lower gravity. It's like the centrifugal force on a merry-go-round--the further out an object is from the center of the wheel (or in this case the planet), the more force that is applied, countering the effects of gravity. People who live near the equator won't notice much, as the rate of gravity only starts to decrease, modestly but noticeably, north of the 49th parallel. The effect stretches for about 900 kilometres north, before diminishing near the Arctic circle, where there are no known merry-go-rounds. Conversely, people who live in the southern hemisphere experience the opposite, as the gravity is much heavier. This explains why Australians have never set any high-jumping records. THE BENEFITS OF LIGHTER GRAVITY There are many advantages to living in a lower gravity, such as on Mars, the moon, or in Canada. For instance, a major source of Canada's power comes from hydro-electricity, because of the abundance of water. All of Canada's rivers pull "down," towards the south, where the gravity is greater, thus generating more power from hydroelectric dams. This may also explain why Canadians are "drawn" towards the United States, forced to take jobs as doctors, nurses, or systems engineers. However, there are some disadvantages to a lighter Canadian gravity, as American coins don't work in Canadian vending machines, and Canadian travelers will routinely experience shortness of breath when they visit American cities, such as Denver. THIS EXPLAINS A LOT OF THINGS Yes,
you might have wondered why Canadian football field are ten yards longer...it's
the gravity. You might have asked yourself why Canadian astronauts adapt
so well to space...yep, it's the gravity. And, you might also have been
curious to know why the Toronto Blue Jays always hit more home runs than
all other baseball teams...no, that's because of the steroids.
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