| CANADA'S
SOURCE FOR INTERNET HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
Every
year we grow more and more dependent on the Internet. But would you know
what to do if your connection suddenly went down?
No
one knows when the Internet will fail. It could happen at any
time, leaving you bereft of your e-mail, your sports scores, and your
Blogs. Therefore, it's important that you and your family have a contingency
plan for just such an emergency. If your connection to Cyberspace were
to ever get severed, you should at least be prepared. We have included
a few key points that should assist you if that were to happen.
1.
Panic!
An excited, agitated state will give you that heightened sense of awareness
and will increase your thought processes allowing you to come up with
rational solutions. Panic is just nature's way of putting your body into
over-drive. It's a defense mechanism that gives you an edge when dealing
with potentially harmful situations, such as a severed arm or the loss
of your Internet. 2.
Find A Telephone
Do you have
access to a telephone line? Early computers connected to the Internet
using a dial-up device along with a hardware device known as a "modem."
Since this technology is obsolete, it will be of no use to you. Instead,
use your telephone to call your friends to see if their connection is
also down, as you will have lost the ability to send an email or an instant
message. You can also use a telephone to call 911, an emergency service
that will first tell you to calm down, and then will send out specially-trained
technicians to find the source of the Internet's failure.
3.
Use Your Back-Up Computer
It's always
good to have an emergency laptop handy, in case you need to harry over
to a buddy's place where the Net is still up. If there is still no Internet
at that location, at the very least you could connect to a small network
or LAN (Less-than Adequate Network). Laptops can also be placed on tables
at coffeeshops, while you sit around with a latte, nervously waiting for
your connection to be restored.
4.
Install A Game
In emergency situations, installing a single-player computer game can
occupy your down-time. While it won't replace the adrenaline rush of intense
networked multiplayer action provided by the Internet, a quick game of
Sim City or Flight Simulator may distract you long enough
for your connection to return.
5.
Perform Routine Maintenance
While
programs such as Norton Antivirus have removed most of the tedium of computer
system maintenance, nothing could help pass the time faster than cleaning
out your hard drive, emptying your cache, or organizing your celebrity
fake porn collection. Take the time to stare at your screen while you
perform a defragmentation. The time will literally fly while you barely
notice your separation from the Internet.
6.
Turn On A Television Or Radio
Televisions, strange boxes that sit in your parents' living rooms, were
once used to provide entertainment, long before DVDs and Playstations
were invented. Televisions have the capability of broadcasting streaming
information similar to the content on multimedia websites. With a "remote
control," a wireless device that is like a small one-handed keyboard,
you may be able to surf a limited number of "channels," while
you deal with the loss of your connection. Unfortunately, television is
only a one-way media.
In ancient
times, radios were also used to entertain. A radio allowed you to listen
to news, sports, and music, much the same way that you listen to live
streaming audio on a Shoutcast server. Like the television, a radio will
only have a limited selection of listening stations, and no video. Hopefully
your separation from the Internet will be brief.
7.
Read
People in
pre-Internet times used to read "books" and "magazines",
written materials once created in printable format to pass the time. Some
e-books are still available on paper, and may offer a short-term solution
until your power is back and your broadband is restored. If reading is
not an option, as a last resort, you may wish to try doing "chores,"
or try your hand at cooking. While these activities cannot replace the
Internet, they may be able to make the down-time a little more tolerable.
8.
Go Outside
The idea of leaving your workstation may seem a little extreme, but you
can perform errands that you normally get parents or spouses to do: grocery
shopping, drycleaning, etc. Leaving your dorm room, basement, or above-garage
apartment suite, may be risky, but again, the time may afford an effective
distraction from your Internet woes. NOTE: Be careful to avoid the sun,
because your pasty white skin will not be used to the exposure.
9.
Spend Time With Your Spouse
Communicating with your wife or girlfriend may seem like a radical suggestion,
but the time investment may offer long-term rewards. Spending any amount
of time talking about your "relationship" may free up more Internet
time for you later on, when your ADSL or Cable link to the World Wide
Web has been restored. WARNING: These will probably be the longest hours
of your life.
10.
Use Your Emergency AOL Disk
If you find
that your connection to the Internet is going to be longer than you can
possibly stand, as a last resort, pull out an emergency AOL CD, the one
with 910 free hours of connection to the AOL service. Take the CD in one
hand...and slash it across your wrist! Suicide will probably be a better
alternative than connecting to that service.
Hopefully
some of these Internet alternatives will be able to assist you during
an offline crisis. Emergency radio broadcasts will likely advise you of
the state of the Internet and be able to predict when your bandwidth will
be restored, but remember to have an emergency plan in case your digital
detachment is longer than you expect.
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