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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR POLITICAL HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
CENTRAL AMERICA -- Record voter absences and charges of "rigging" plagued the recent student elections at Izabel Senior High School in Quetzeltenango this year. The incumbant, Dominic Malefacerez, was elected school president for a record third time with promises to "heal the wounds", "redemocratize the student council", and "crack down on those punks who hang around the west stairwell."
All smiles, and surrounded by a group of well-wishers, advisors, and the school's intimidating rugby team, Dominic brushed aside charges that with only 500 eligible voters in the school it was impossible for him to win 4,948 votes. Ballot counting was overseen by a team of International scrutineers, students from different schools from around the region. Although they noticed a few irregularities, the scrutineers say the results were acceptable considering the lack of pencils for the election. Campaign monitors and election observers were unable to assist in the process as their school bus exploded on the route from Zhyxtylaptoguaralahara Central Middle High School in the neighbouring district. The school elections are supposed to be a democratic process, with any school member allowed to run for president or a position on the student board, but almost all the hand-painted banners leading up to election day were for Dominic. Some critics, on the condition of anonymity, charged that posters for other candidates were taken down within hours of being posted and campaigners were harassed mercilessly by larger senior students. Some of those candidates were accused of mudslinging, when really they were only using the mud to patch some of the homes within the district. Three of those candidates died from mysterious causes just days before their election, two unexpectantly withdrew their nominations, and four went sleeping with the fishes, which made them smell really bad and cost them precious voter support. Dominic denied any wrong-doing, pointing out that with construction going on a few blocks away it was highly likely that candidates may have had an accident while on their way to or from school. He insists that his enthusiastic young approach to teen authoritarianism is just the next logical step in instituting a stable government in the school system. Dominic praised the democratic system at his acceptance speech and noted his long-standing service as president as an example of stability. "I don't mind running this school like a constitutional democracy, as long as they do everything I say," said Dominic, who blamed all of the schools problems on his predecessor, Juan Juarez, nicknamed "El Despoto." Dominic Malefacerez has been running his school since the eighth grade when his radical group of Totonipacanistes swept in and declared a teenage coup, betraying the previous student government. Dominic intends to rule with an iron fist, a steel gauntlet, and an aluminum bat, and isn't expected to allow another election until 2005, the year after he graduates. With this new validation of his authority Dominic appeared magnanimous, and even promised to delay implementation of the dreaded "lunch money program" until December. It's not unusual for schools in the Central Latin South American region to have the same president and council for several years running. High schools in Chiminatango, Amatitlan, and Ixtapaquila have all had long-serving presidents. Huehuetixipatlan High School has had the same president for the last seven years, which is unusual considering it is a middle school and only teaches grades 8-10. Dominic's first duty in office will be to suppress the growing dissident actions. A radical group began staging hit-and-run guerrilla tactics late last year, tearing down school dance posters, and replacing them with slogans exhorting students to "throw off their chains", which were really heavy and covered in rust. Dominic has pledged to have the perpetrators expelled--or worse--if he ever catches them. "We
wouldn't want this to escalate into a situation like they have in Italian
schools," Dominic said. "There, they change student governments
every year."
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