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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR CANADIAN HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
OFF THE ATLANTIC COAST-- 315 kilometres east of St. John's, Newfoundland, lies Hibernia, the 224-metre high former oil-drilling platform--once touted as the largest gravity based structure in the world. But times are different now, and Hibernia wants its voice heard on the world stage.
Hibernia, a massive concrete caisson capable of withstanding a collision with a one-million-tonne iceberg, is now a thriving micro-nation, thanks mostly to their status as the largest Internet portal in the Northern Hemisphere, which made them billions in dollars from Internet companies looking for cheap bandwidth. Hibernia, never recognized by Canada as a legitimate maritime province (because technically it has no land mass), finally declared its independence in 2000 as part of the millennium celebrations, taking advantage of Canada's distraction with Y2K. The Hibernian fleet is prepared to defend its status, refusing to bend under pressure from "arm-flexing Canadian imperialists." The fleet, consisting of three aging British frigates, one rusty Russian submarine, and four Newfoundland-built cod-fishing skiffs converted into minelayers, is a naval force that Canada isn't prepared to confront. "Canada is envious of our industrial success, our growing strength on the international front, and our cool flag," said Hibernian Chancellor Douglas Mackenzie King Cole. "We're not going to submit to their expansionist pressures, eh." Cole, a former CBC cameraman from Brampton, Ontario, was part of an ambitious group of capitalist pioneers who purchased the aging oil-drilling platform from Petro-Canada in 1996, for a reasonable price, after securing a low-interest business loan from the Bank of Canada (with the help of Cole's mother as a co-signer).
"We're prepared to protect our Atlantic frontiers from the oppressive Canadian dogs," said Cole, whose military force of 350 exceeds that of the entire Canadian Armed Forces. "Canada needs to recognize our sovereign authority," said Cole, "and desist in their declarations that we are a rebellious territory, the insolent son of Mother Canada. We expect to be acknowledged." "Hibernia is a rogue state, like Taiwan, Ireland, or the Christmas Islands," said Canadian Deputy Prime Minister Henri-Marc St. Lawrence. "Like China will do to Taiwan, we will crush the insurgent Hibernians with economic sanctions, choke them with diplomatic pressure, and if necessary, force their Canadian relatives wash dishes at a local Denny's--without rubber gloves!" The Hibernians are not intimidated by Canada's empty threats. "We're
not intimidated by Canada's empty threats," repeated Cole, who
despite his anti-federalist attitudes, is still a fan of the Edmonton
Oilers. "What
is Canada going to do? Call us names? Send their toy helicopters
crashing down on us? Cut off our cablevision? Oooh...let's all cringe
in fear, for the Canadians are coming. The big bad Canadians are
coming!"
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| This fictional story about Hibernia is intended for adults. | The World Leader in Canadian humour, humor, parody, and satire. | |
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