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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR CHRISTMAS HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
NORTH POLE, CANADA-- Santa Claus isn't the only one who is checking to see who's naughty and who's nice. It appears that the Canadian Labour Ministry has turned the sleigh around on the Jolly One, who is under investigation for his own naughty practices--using Elven children in his toy manufacturing workshops.
In Canada, the federal labour law prohibits the employment of children under 15 years of age, and in the case of elves, 80 years of age. The intent of the law is to protect against the exploitation of minors--of any race. "It's not like we're 'chaining them to the loom'," said Kris Krysanthus, public relations manager for Santa Inc. "They're making toys. What kid wouldn't love doing that? Elven or otherwise. It's a rewarding job, and the kids are being well compensated." The Ministry is refusing to release details of their investigation, saying only that Santa is being questioned for "alleged misuse and mistreatment of indigenous minors." Opponent of child labour say the ministry should have looked into this several Christmas's ago. "Everyone knew what was going on," said Arathondion, Chancellor for the High Elven Council of the Nation of the Frozen Wasteland. "The [Canadian] government was willing to play Santa's game and turn a blind eye to this blatant mistreatment of young elves--as long as they were getting their cut [toys for the ministers' children] from The Man." "Elven children should be in school or playing," continued Arathondion. "They should be allowed to develop normally, without being forced to chisel the wheels for wooden toy trains when they're barely 60." Although Eskimos and Inuits make up 98% of the population of the North Pole, most of Santa's workers are recruited from the few tiny Elven hamlets and villages, as the traditional natives are more interested in hunting and fishing than toycraft. "I think that Santa is aware of what he's doing," said Galenfëaion, at 287 years of age, the senior doll-maker in the workshop. "He's using the isolation of this toy factory location to cover up unfair labour practices. Unfortunately, there's not much we can do about it. It's not like this is a union shop--and most Elven workers are content to continue pushing out this hand-made junk as long as their syrup sacks get filled." Many industry experts believe Santa started using young elves after the Orc strike and rebellion of 1966. Santa had to find new workers to mine coal for the lumps he gives to "bad" boys and girls. Discovering that the elves were intelligent and quick to learn, he started using them in the workshop as well. It is not known how many may still be working underground, or in what type of squalid conditions. "We want to clear this up as quickly as possible," said Jane Stewart, minister of Human Resources Development Canada. "With Christmas only a couple days away we're hoping we can come to some sort of agreement with Mr. Kringle." Minister Stewart has promised to eliminate any found abusive forms of child Elven labour, and has already formed a subcommittee to look into the alleged exploitive toymaking practices. "We
will be looking to develop a strategy to establish initiatives that will
recommend measures that will be consistent with our commitment to creating
a sustainable agenda on these issues," said the Honorable Stewart.
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