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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR FAST FOOD HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
OUTSIDE THE DINER--You may think you won the battle, but friend, the war still goes on.
Yes, you can laugh all you want right now, but tomorrow it's likely you will regret your decision to fire me from your fast food franchise. You're probably feeling pretty smug, all warm and toasty on the inside, because you think you made the right decision to dismiss me from my position as Griddle Engineer First Class and assistant to the deep-fryer coordinating officer. Well, laugh it up now Mr. Evening Shift Manager, because after this your operation is going to go dry up faster than the fishwiches under the warming lamp. Oh sure, I may not have been the best burger-flipper in the world, perhaps I didn't cover my mouth when I coughed, and maybe I didn't always listen to my condiments supervisor, but I tell you there wasn't a single grill officer more passionate about his job than I was. I showed up for work on time at least once a week, I hardly ever complained about taking extra-long bathroom breaks, and did I ever make a fuss about dropping beef patties on the floor? No. That sexual harassment suit against me was bullsh*t, and you know it. The sex I had in your office with the fifteen-year-old cashier was consensual, and anyways you should've knocked before barging in like that. It's not as if you needed the photocopier that instant anyways. Was it my fault that there wasn't a sign in the bathroom remind me to wash my hands after taking a piss? Was I told about the so-called company policy about drinking beer on the job? Did anyone ever mention to me the procedures about not taking food home after my shift? You misunderstood my intentions when you saw me giving away free combo meals to my friends. That was public relations! I was only doing my part in promoting the franchise. I'm sure that the business was more than made up by the word of mouth alone. And when I swore at that old lady who wanted a free refill on her coffee? Dude, that old hag had it coming to her. I was just trying to prevent freeloaders from taking advantage of the restaurant's hospitality. And what was the big deal about putting rum into the milkshake machine? I didn't see anybody complain; in fact most of the customers left with big smiles on their faces, especially the kids. Again, I was only doing my part in making their fast-food experience more enjoyable. Perhaps if you had taken more time to get to know me, instead of always chastising me for my poor hygiene, my laziness, and my so-called "attitude", you would've realized that you had a model employee. Besides, that incident with the cole slaw was totally exaggerated. It's not as if grubs are entirely inedible. Maye you should reconsider your decision. It's your career that's on the line. Hell, I can get any minimum-wage paying job I want. But you, getting another management job that pays minimum-wage + two dollars isn't going to be easy without hard-working employees like me to make you look good. So really,
when all is said and done, you're the one who's made the biggest mistake,
and it's going to hurt you more than it is me.
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| This fictional story about satire is intended for adults. | The World Leader in Canadian humour, humor, parody, and satire. | |
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