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Can't Get Enough Of That Sugar Crisp

THE KITCHEN COUNTER-- To the uneducated, eating a bowl of cereal is simply a dull but necessary part of the morning routine. Most adults give no more thought to their choice of cereal than they do to the quilted patterns of their bathroom tissue. But to Clifford Van Horton (III), picking the right cereal is just as important as choosing the right bottle of wine.

Cliff Horton inspects a very rare box of Sugar Smacks.

"It's funny you should mention wine," said Clifford, a 35-year-old who as a kid, spent every Saturday morning in front of the television watching cartoons with a box of cereal in his lap.

"I've converted my wine cellar into a cereal cellar, because there isn't any room left in the kitchen, the pantry, or the garage for my cereal boxes!"

When Clifford was a child, picking the right cereal was a challenge--more so back then because his parents were forever choosing so-called "healthy" cereal choices: puffed wheat, Shreddies, and Corn Flakes, ignoring the pained requests of an eight-year-old boy desperate to taste the latest sugary commixture promoted by the geniuses at General Mills, Post, and Kellogg's.

"Not that there's anything wrong with a simple bowl of Special K," said Clifford, who respects those who prefer the plain-Jane or Joe-average grained cereals. "In fact, with a couple of slices of sourdough bread lightly brushed with a safflower-based margarine, thin banana slices, fresh-squeezed navel orange juice, and 2% milk, it makes for a complete breakfast. I have a vintage 1981 Special K in the pantry right now, just waiting for the right morning."

Clifford hesitates to call himself a cereal "connoisseur," but he probably has more knowledge about cereals than the late great Will Keith Kellogg, the self-proclaimed king of the breakfast table.

"When I was young, it was mostly trial and error," admitted Clifford, who now owns more than 14,000 boxes of cereal from Alpha-Bits to Zombie Peanut Butter Crunch. "Whenever I saw an ad for a new type of must-have cereal, cleverly targeted for the kids, I had to have it! But after eating enough Lucky Charms to shit marshmallow clovers, I realized I had developed an appreciation for the morning meal."

"There are so many people who choose to skip breakfast in the morning--and that's a tragedy," said Clifford, who likes to think outside the box. "If more people took the time to enjoy a nice tasty bowl of Count Chocula, the world would be a happier place. And that sugar-surge would give people that boost in the morning they sorely deserve."

People are impressed with Clifford's cereal knowledge, so much that they are willing to pay him to choose the proper cereals for catered functions.

"After a while it's not that hard to figure out," admitted Clifford. "Take Raisin Bran for example. You've already got your sugar-coated raisins with crisp flakes of toasted bran, so perhaps a tart orange marmalade would be a better choice than strawberry jam. Maybe black coffee, and a couple slices of apple--Granny Smith I think."

Clifford admits that it's not just always about the cereal that's best for you.

"One some occasions, I'll just grab the biggest Tupperware bowl in the cupboard and dump an entire box of Cocoa Puffs into it. For that I definitely recommend a soup ladel, and watch a couple of episodes of Superfriends.

A tour through Clifford's cellar reveals not only a broad range of edible cereals, but also some "vintage" cereals, purchased more for their collectible value.

"This is a very rare box of Cap'n Crunch," said Clifford pointing to a box wrapped in a mylar bag. "Notice the texture of the crunchberries. And here's a very crisp '72 box of Honey Comb. This is a cereal that holds itself well in milk. I recommend 2% milk for this one."

"Ah yes, the '76 American Bicentennial Cocoa Crispies. This fine cereal is the cousin to Rice Crispies. It had the unique ability to turn the milk chocolaty upon pouring. Not too many of these left. And look--this is a very treasured box of Sugar Crisp; you'll notice Granny chasing the Sugar Bear in an old jalopy."

Clifford started collecting cereal when he was a teenager. He bought several boxes of Wheaties with celebrities on the boxes including Bruce Jenner, Steve Garvey, and Mohammed Ali.

Not long after that, he picked up a couple of boxes of Fruity Pebbles, thinking that the peculiar prehistoric pebble-food would be off the shelves in no-time, and the Fred Flintstone boxes would be valuable. With all the preservatives in these cereals, most of them have shelf-lives equivalent to that of Hostess Twinkies. Clifford still has several of those early boxes and is happy to share his expertise with visitors.

"Each cereal has its own unique properties. Take the '75 Alpha Bits vs. the '77 Alpha Bits. The earlier versions used a stronger serif in the lettering. The later editions used a Helvetica style font. I don't know if was just typographical fashion or if there were production issues. In any case they're both delicious."

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