Starting Your Own Cult: Compounding Your Problem

The Divine Inspiration and guidance that you provide for your flock is important. But what about keeping the evil influences of the Devil away from their impressionable minds? How can you be sure that you are guarding them sufficiently from the Great Satan Himself?

The answer is in The Compound.

Every cult should, as soon as possible, establish a special place where its members can sleep, work, and pray together. This special place should be separate from the outside world, away from the Moral Decrepitude that infuses the very soul of modern culture.

Every compound will be different, of course, depending on the level of security you need to keep your children safe from society, or worse, government agents. When just starting out a rented townhouse in the city is probably sufficient. As your cult grows, expands and attracts more attention you will have to look at other options.

Renovating:
The first step may be to renovate an existing apartment or townhouse to accommodate bunk beds, large meeting areas, and enhanced security. A simple bar across the door and plywood over the windows is probably enough to start. Plywood over the windows is good for two reasons: it keeps people from peeping in, and keeps the compound reliant on the ethereal light supplied by your divinely-inspired wisdom.

A house in the country:
The next step up is to purchase a property in the country. Obviously this will depend on your membership reaching enough critical mass that you can afford not only the mortgage, but also the vans to transport your initiates to 'work' and back every day. You can't sell too many pencils if you have to walk 12 miles to the nearest neighbour. In fact, the fewer neighbours the better. You need the space for proper outdoor prayer assemblies, community garden, and a rifle range. If your Vision from the Almighty inclines you this way, there's also an opportunity to create a New Jerusalem of Perfect Unity Between Men as everyone lovingly contributes under your inspired direction to create the Utopia on Earth for which You are the Messenger.

Walls and fences:
The problem with creating Heaven on Earth is that some people, notably government agents, start getting jealous. The devil keeps himself busy through these busy-bodies nosing around questioning whether or not you've paid taxes and other nonsense. As if you should be bothered with filthy lucre! However, you will be bothered by them, and other curious bystanders.

Tall fences topped with concertina wire are a good deterrent for the occasional snooper, but I would recommend setting some recruits on building several walls of stone and rubble with a deep ditch on either side--a moat would be ideal. Top the walls with coiled razor wire and establish outposts every 50 metres. Modern electronic surveillance equipment means you don't have to pull members away from important prayers or other functions, like rifle training, or explosives-making (for when armageddon comes). Properly-built fortifications will enable you to have a proper stand-off if Caesar feels like taking on the Kingdom of God.

Of course, when God calls you and your flock home, the biggest strongest castle in the world will be as a grain of sand in the wind. But until that day, you will want to make sure your people are safely housed, away from the corruption of this vale of tears.

Dr. Lazarus' Archive

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Next: The Compound: Are You Ready For An Attack?

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