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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR MILITARY HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
OTTAWA-- Canada's new prime minister Paul Martin is concerned with the protection of our national borders, and is promising to increase the military. In doing so, he hopes that a stronger Navy will secure the nation against potential foreign threats. One of the first plans is to produce a fleet of nimble aluminum warships to patrol and defend Canadian waters.
Increasing pressure from the United States to secure the homeland has made military defense a higher priority for the Liberal leader. For too long, Canada has been unable to adequately monitor its own shorelines, and so it has become necessary to develop a prudent naval solution. The concept of an aluminum warship is economically sound. Canada is one of the largest aluminum-mining nations, so the materials are readily available, making the vessels more cost-effective to produce. Canada also produces--and recycles--the most beer cans in the world, guaranteeing that there will always be enough of the lighter metal to produce additional ships. "We've thought this through," said Major Admiral John Phillip McDonald. "When a warship becomes obsolete, we'll be able to melt it down and recycle it to make another one. That's just responsible resource management." Canada has the largest coastline in the world, and its shores span three oceans. And since there is limited access to the Pacific from the Atlantic, it will be necessary to maintain two fleets--one in Halifax, Nova Scotia, and the other in Victoria, British Columbia. This makes the choice of aluminum even more wise. "Since these warships will only weigh one-twelfth of traditional iron and steel warships, the cost of fuel will be a fraction of the traditional steel-hulled ships," said master shipbuilder Luc Bonbateau. "The lighter aluminum ships will travel higher in the water making them less susceptible to enemy torpedoes and mines. And they'll be much too fast to target." Aluminum warships will have the capability of traveling at speeds up to 60 knots, allowing them to easily track and intercept enemy vessels, such as rusty, Chinese refugee-laden freighters. "With the threat of terrorism still looming over our continent it is essential that Canada brings its military into the 21st century," said the Right Honourable Martin. "These aluminum vessels of peace will ensure that our waters are safe, and prove that our government is capable of making sound fiscal decisions using a reasonable military budget." Canada has
also been experimenting with aluminum submarines, but they haven't been
able to get them to submerge.
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