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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
It's easy to become complacent sitting inside a compound with strong walls. Why would anyone dare to attack? However the devil is out to persecute and harass you. Remember you are the Chosen Messenger of Him on High. The devil knows this and wants to cause your downfall. This is why it's so important to have a proper Plan of Defense, in case the devil or his minions decide to try to take your flock away from you by force. Of course, when you're just starting your own cult you don't have the resources to create an impregnable castle, but a few common-sense things will make things safer for everyone. The most important part of your defense plan are your members themselves. They should always be on the watch for suspicious activities. Encourage everyone to discuss suspicious events they saw that day, if you allow them out in the corrupt world. Point out how these activities are part of the devil's plan to foil God's Vision, as revealed to You. The devil has long fingers and can reach almost everyone. Anyone who is not already a member could already be taken over by the devil and his minions, even former family and friends. This is why it is so important that your flock not be allowed to talk to people from the outside world, except in groups of two or three. Together we are strong. Once everyone is in a defensive mind-set other parts of your Plan of Defense will fall naturally into place. Video surveillance of all entrances is important, as is the meeting area and showers. Long hot showers are a sure sign of the devil enfeebling the mind. You'll want to examine those tape carefully. As mentioned in a previous column, close off all windows with plywood to prevent spies from peering in, or your members from peering out, where the seductive siren song of Sodom and Gomorrah may tempt them. If you've established a compound out in the country, surround it with a good wall on a berm, topped with razor wire and with ditches on either side. A series of land mines placed in strategic areas will keep agents of the devil--and stray dogs--from reaching your buildings too quickly. Of course, none of these will stop a determined assault. When the Lord calls you and your family home as Martyrs make sure you're ready with barrels of inflammable materials, something that will create lots of smoke and explosions. You want it to look good on the evening news. The thick clouds of smoke should also enable you to make your escape--you didn't forget an escape passage did you? Make sure it's kept secret. If there are any survivors you don't want them suggesting that you make the supreme sacrifice.
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Starting
Your Own Cult, with Dr. Emeril Lazarus
