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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
VANCOUVER-- The city has decided to relent, reversing a by-law that prohibits people from living inside self-storage lockers. An overwhelming demand for low-cost housing and a zero percent city free occupancy rate has made the decision easier, and now citizens are free to house themselves inside low-cost public storage facilities.
"Oh come on, this shouldn't come as any surprise," said Wilf Boxleitner, manager of Ready-Storage, a storage-solution service. "People have been living in storage units for years. Even Neal Stephenson wrote about an inspired character who lived inside a storage unit." (ed: Snowcrash) Wilf admitted that he has allowed several people to "stay over" from time to time during the eighteen years he has been in the storage business. "Nah, nobody ever questioned it before," said Wilf, who admits that $22.95 for an 8x10 locker is pretty-damned cheap for rent. "Every day people were moving personal items in and out of the units. Who was I to say if they decided they wanted to stay closer to their stuff? It's an almost-free country." Many storage units are already heated to protect weather-sensitive items. But now, facility owners may consider adding plumbing, telephone, and cable solutions, although people may complain about the extra "luxury" costs. Electricity has usually been available, and with port-o-potties, heating elements, and portable coolers, people have been able to turn these modest lockers into simple--yet functional--living facilities. Many citizens disapprove of people living in industrial facilities, however none of them were able to suggest a better low-cost alternative. Not even subsidized housing could come close to matching the low storage costs. "Just because storage lockers don't fit the description of normal housing, it doesn't mean that it's wrong," said Wilf. "Hell, in places like Peru, they live in aluminum shacks. Do you think those countries offer 24-hour security, fire suppression systems, or free-to-use golf carts? I think not." Is parking an issue? "If someone can afford one of our garage-sized lockers, they're more than welcome to park their AMC Gremlin inside," said Wilf. "But if our 'tenants' could afford cars, they'd probably be living in them." Randy Harimasha has been living inside a storage locker for three years. When he lost his job as a chocolate milkman, he had very little money and nowhere to go. When he was forced to put his personal property into storage, he realized that the locker wasn't that much smaller than his bachelor apartment. "Sure, it's a little cramped, but it's cozy," said Randy, who sleeps on a futon that can't fold out because of the space restrictions. "And hell, that just makes it easier to keep tidy. Plus, I don't have the room to entertain, so it's not like I have many overnight guests." Randy has
been saving the money he would have normally spent on rent for a trailer,
which he hopes to move into this summer.
While he and others are happy to have storage lockers as an economical
habitat solution, they just wish they could lock their "homes"
from the inside.
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| This fictional story about storage lockers is intended for adults. | The World Leader in Canadian humour, humor, parody, and satire. | |
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