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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR POLITICAL HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
ALONG THE 49TH PARALLEL--It's another cold day for diplomatic relations between Canada and the United States. You knew it was going to happen sooner or later. It was precipitated by the fight over salmon fishing rights, then it was the softwood lumber dispute, and after that there was the disagreement over the war in Iraq. Now, it's Canadian snow. The American government, under extreme pressure from cold-weather lobbyists, has imposed a duty on "the white stuff" that's exported from Canada.
So it's another American avalanche smothering the trade freedoms of the NAFTA agreement. It's true. Canadian snow is purer and whiter, making it better for downhill skiing. American resorts like Mt. Baker, a popular Washington state ski destination, buy thousands of truckloads of superior Canadian snow every ski season, because their own snow is sub-standard. "Our snow is polluted and sludgy," admitted Mike McCormick, an ecological consultant from Provost, Utah. "It makes for a real lousy ski experience. But the British Columbian powder is fine, and when sprinkled on our ski runs makes a significant improvement to our mountain's skiing conditions." Americans have always envied Canadian snow. Canada has a population one-tenth the size of the US, yet Canadians have more snow than they know what to do with. In fact Canada has so much snow, they have the luxury of salting their roads to get rid of the excess. They shovel it, they melt it, and they plow it off their streets. "That's not the only thing Canadians are good at shoveling," said Buford Collier, an angry American snowmaker from Aspen, Colorado. "Cheap Canadian snow is being dumped on American markets, threatening legitimate American snowmaking interests. We're the ones who were being snowed. This tariff will provide jobs for honest-working Americans." Talks between the neighbouring countries have been frozen. Canada is once again accusing the United States of blatant protectionism. They claim that conservative state politicians are only interested in making more money, and are in fact, intending to use tariff monies to create "slush" funds for their own personal coffers. Canada is prepared to fight the tariff, and is threatening to "go the distance" and build a two-metre high wall across the entire length of the Canada/U.S. border--a wall made of snow. Canada will also create its own lobbyists that will "lob" Canadian snowballs across the border in open protest. "Let's just say if Canada went to war with the United States, and it had to be settled with a snowball fight, they'd probably kick our asses because our snow doesn't pack well enough," said McCormick. "I oppose this tariff, and I say that we Americans should get rid of the flakes who are trying to destroy our winter economy. Snow is a
renewable resource. It falls from the sky. And just like water, Canada
has learned how to profit from its endless, natural supply. And until
recently, it was the only white powdered substance that was easy to ship
across the border.
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| This fictional story about American tariffs is intended for adults. | The World Leader in Canadian humour, humor, parody, and satire. | |
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