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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR COLA HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
OUTSIDE THE CONVENIENCE STORE-- It's a sad and poignant image of hard times, clusters of young men and women seen huddled outside local 7-Elevens, AM-PM Mini Marts, and other convenience stores, ingesting body-altering chemicals cleverly marketed as innocently refreshing carbonated beverages.
These kids are your Coke addicts. They are not runaways, nor are they from struggling low-income households. They come from all social, ethnic, and economic backgrounds. Many are bright and intelligent, but all have the same thing in common--they've all fallen for the cheap and easy rush, and the simple sociability that comes with drinking an all-pervasive chemical cola combination. "It's easy to spot a teen who's been doing Coke™," said constable Burke, a law enforcement officer who spends far too much of his time dealing with troubled youths. "He talks a mile-a-minute, his teeth are stained and starting to rot, and he's got those tell-tale sugar shakes, a sure sign that the kid's been ingesting some form of cola. Plus the empty discarded cans and bottles are a sure giveaway." For most young people, Coke is more readily available than other vices such as alcohol, marijuana, or heroin. Coke is cheap and plentiful. It can be found on almost any street corner where there's a convenience store or a vending machine. Many offices and public buildings are near sources where, for about a dollar a pop, anyone can get a quick fix. Coke, cola is the generic term, has been around for over a hundred years, and has become a mainstay in the social lives of much of the Western world, much like other social drugs such as beer, whiskey, or cinnamon-flavoured bubble gum. Like prescription drugs or candy cigarettes, cola is manufactured legally by a variety of different companies, and users will quickly develop clear preferences to one brand over another. While occasional use does not appear to cause permanent damage, doctors are concerned about those who see it as an easy solution for thirst or social consent. "People will drink just about anything when they're thirsty," said Dr. Tse Ling Phan, a drug-abuse specialist. "The best thing for your body is, of course water. But water is about as exciting as shopping for floor tiles. You can almost see why young people like to experiment with different "flavours," like cherry, lemon, or vanilla, or perhaps "cutting down" the cola with rum, rye, or vodka. Although there's a brief rush of fulfillment while drinking their Coke concoction, in the end the victim always feels empty, especially after six trips to the bathroom." These social issues leave a bitter taste in the mouths of citizens--unless of course, it was just from the Aspartame. "There's a huge, huge, social-acceptance component to Coke abuse too," said Dr. Phan. "Which variety you drink, for example, will win you friends and lose others. Showing off your 'colours' is one way of identifying which tribe you want to be associated with, whether it's 'Classic', 'Pepsi' or 'RC'." Those are just the commercially available, pre-bottled varieties of the drug. Less well known, but more prevalent, are the syrup vendors, where Coke can be had for as little as 69 cents. Teenagers are often seen moping around these stores, panhandling to get enough money for their next fix, a Super Big-Gulp™ of the liquid leisure drug. Some of these youths are even trying "slushees" an even more potent form. Pure Coke syrup is poured over crushed ice, and "sucked up" through unhygienic straws (or other cola drinking paraphernalia), often passed around amongst a peer group in an unhealthy manner. Even worse is a liquid speedball of cola called a "swamp mix," where users will fill their cups with every type of fountain drink available on the counter. And the convenience store clerks who serve these mixes are nothing more than carbonated sugar-daddies, distributing Coke to juveniles without ever showing any remorse or regret. Despite Un-Cola campaigns and a variety of tasty natural alternatives, the number of Coke addicts continues to rise faster than the foam in a warm root beer mug. Food pushers at restaurants and cafeterias add fuel to the fire by offering refills at a fraction of the price--or free--to guarantee a continued hold on the customer. A spin on the adage "the first one's always free", refills ensure that Coke drinkers will never stray too far from the fountain. "Society
better get prepared to deal with this social drinking problem," said
Dr. Phan. "Because this time, it's the Real Thing."
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| This fictional story about coke addicts is intended for adults. | The World Leader in Canadian humour, humor, parody, and satire. | |
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