 |
 | |||
|
|
| |||
|
|
 |
 |
|||||||||||||||
| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR BEVERAGE HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
VANCOUVER-- British Columbia is grateful for the nine-hundred jobs that were created when the Kool-Aid Korparation brought one of its refining operations to Canada. The facility has been a boon to the faltering Western Canadian economy, and it has brought a little more flavour to the depressed industrial region. But the sweet deal hasn't made everybody smile, and in fact has left a sour taste in many Canadians' mouths.
The controversial Kool-Aid crystal refinery lies on the shores of Burrard Inlet at the mouth of Canada's largest Western seaport. The Vancouver outlet is solely responsible for refining the lemon-flavoured drink crystals for the instant soft beverage giant. Raw drink crystals are mined and refined, before being shipped off in barges to the packaging and processing center in Alameda, California. The refinery is generating millions of dollars in the British Columbia region, but there are several ecological factors which are raising concerns to the residents of the coastal Canadian community. While Kool-Aid®, the drink, costs merely pennies per glass, Kool-Aid, the kompany, may be costing the region much more. "There are enough tangy lemon particulates floating in our air on a given day to choke a sugar bear," said Cherry Boisson, environmentalist. "The atmosphere is always thick with a tart, yellowy cloud. It gets on your clothes, in your eyes, and you end up crying salty citrus Kool-Aid tears." Kool-Aid slag, an inedible molten by-product of the refining process, continues to fill local landfills. Lemon Lung plagues workers like a bad cough. And Kool-Aid pollutants empty into the seas every time it rains, creating megalitres of lemon slurry, useless to consume even when suitable amounts of sugar are added. The sludge makes its way into the sea where it is often seen floating on the ocean surface or clinging to beds of eco-sensitive kelp. The economic benefits of having a major food producer in the region are substantial, but the detrimental environmental effects are painting a poor pitcher for the Kool-Aid people. One group was trying to have the refinery shut down for health violations, but sadly their organization dissolved shortly after a failed demonstration led to several arrests in front of the Hawaiian Punch factory in Honolulu. This is not
the first time that Kool-Aid has stirred up trouble in Canada. In 1997,
a drink crystal-laden barge destined for San Francisco sank at the mouth
of the inlet, causing untold ecological damage. Fortunately, fishermen
were able to salvage the situation somewhat, catching and marketing tons
of inadvertently-marinated lemon-herb salmon, reducing somewhat, the extent
of the damage.
|
||||||||||||||||
 |
|
|||||||||||||||
| This fictional story about Kool-Aid is intended for adults. | The World Leader in Canadian humour, humor, parody, and satire. | |
| Tell us what you thought. Visit our Message Boards. | HOME | DISCLAIMER | ABOUT US | Copyright 2005-2001 The Toque Entertainment. |
