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| CANADA'S SOURCE FOR HUMOUR, PARODY, AND SATIRE
BETWEEN THE 4TH AND 5TH FLOOR-- Spending any amount of time in a space the size of a broom closet can be stressful. But that's what millions of people are forced to do every time they step into an elevator. Those uncomfortable moments spent in close proximity to strangers can seem like an eternity, and there isn't much you can do until the magic doors open and release you from your temporary prison.
There's never any "right thing" to say in an elevator. You can't talk about the weather because it's an instant cop-out, and unless your local sports franchise played the night before, you will find conversation hard to initiate. Maybe if the elevator was a broom closet it would be easier for people to cope. Standing quietly in a dark confined space would remove the need to interact with others, and the strange smells could be blamed on those "unidentifiable" objects in the back corner. But alas, elevator designers try to create a bright and cheerful ambiance, instead of the preferable moping darkness. Mirrors, bright lights, and very tasteful artsy walls are combined to evoke a lounge or dressing room effect. All that's missing is the bar and a hostess--and perhaps the space to enjoy it. Some cultures don't have a problem with the lack of personal space--they're used to being crammed into trains, buses, and elevators. But most North Americans do struggle with tight cramped quarters, which leads to the strange and uncomfortable feelings for elevator travelers. The key to a comfortable elevator ride is to avoid eye contact at all costs--again something that is increasingly difficult with the number of mirrors being mounted on the walls and ceilings. Unfortunately the attempts to make the elevator a livable box has resulted in the use of these reflective surfaces. Large wall-to-wall and ceiling-to-floor mirrors turn the elevator into a kaleidoscope, increasing the potential of someone seeing-you-seeing-them by 387%. The easiest way to avoid dreaded social contact is to stare at the numbers above the door, watching as the lights move between floors. But once eye contact is made, the pressure is on to acknowledge the other riders with a comment, a nod, or a smile. Another stand-by is to look up at the ceiling. It's usually a pretty safe staring refuge (unless mirrors have been installed there too). Then the potential for getting caught looking at exposed cleavage increases significantly--not good in an enclosed area, even if the risk is worth the reward. Try to avoid pretending that your phone rang, forcing you to look down and check it. It may work once or twice, but can quickly look like you just bought a new toy and are looking for any excuse to pull it out and show it off in front of other people, perhaps even inviting a caustic comment. Some residential elevators have panels of advertising which provide a welcome respite from looking up. Despite the best of intentions eye contact will inevitably be made. If the elevator is crowded you can get away with quickly averting your gaze and staring at your shoes or checking which floor you're nearing. With fewer than four other fellow travelers, social conventions demand some sort of chit-chat to break the tension. Unhappily, the closely confined space inhibits the natural flow of conversation. Government policies, like the weather, usually a safe topic, is a cop-out, and you can't get very far with "So, go to this floor often?" or "Hey, those doors sure close fast, eh?" Some phrases to avoid in an elevator, especially in mixed company are “going down,” “getting the shaft” and “behind closed doors.” Your remarks are more likely to earn you disdain, and that uncomfortable silence will be amplified by your senseless comments. Thankfully, modern elevators are now filled with advertising boards, and television screens that broadcast mindless material to occupy your nervous traveling moments. And new turbo-lifts are reducing the time spent in uncomfortable silence. Faster than regular elevators, and capable of going sideways too (at least in Star Trek they do), they are quickly replacing many long elevators in large buildings. In fact,
it was probably an elevator-commuting scientist with poor social interactive
skills that invented the turbo-lift just to speed things up.
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| This fictional story about elevators is intended for adults. | The World Leader in Canadian humour, humor, parody, and satire. | |
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